Competition Anxiety | The Secret Ingredient To Your Dating Success (Updated 2022)
This article will teach you everything you need to know about competition anxiety. This knowledge used in the right way will help to transform you into a more confident and attractive man.
It will help you to avoid the following:
- Having your dates cancelled by women because they have found a better dating option leaving you feeling deflated
- Looking at your phone and feeling frustrated because a woman has read your messages and decided not to reply
- A feeling of emptiness after a woman has waited for days before letting you know that she is not interested in dating you
No one should feel so powerless in their dating life – it is wrong.
We can help you make it right by taking one of our Social Attraction courses. You will find a link at the bottom of this article to schedule a free 30-minute consultation call with me. On the call, we will work out which of our courses is right for you to transform your dating confidence.
You can also watch our client’s real life transformations here – Social Attraction course reviews
Competition anxiety in dating
Competition anxiety is a state of nervousness or insecurity that women feel when around a confident and attractive man. They feel anxious because they know that other women are interested in dating the same man, and therefore feel like they may have to compete for his dating affection.
To make this relatable, imagine you are on a date with a woman when, suddenly, another man comes into the bar. You notice that she notices him, and they proceed to enter into a dialogue. You find yourself standing next to her while she has a conversation with him. Now, unless you are very secure in yourself, the chances are that you will feel competition anxiety at that moment.
This anxiety may manifest as:
- Sweaty palms
- A feeling of invisibility
- Negative mind chatter
The reason why you feel like this is because of competition anxiety. Or, to put it another way, you feel anxious because of the potential male competition. However, being self-aware enough to realise this will help you rationalise away those negative emotions that can cause you to act a particular (and undesirable) way around women.
In my infographic below, I outline the most significant traits that women find undesirable in men. I recommend reading my related dating coach for men article where I detail each trait and give practical ways to modify your thinking, mindset and body language to make you more attractive around women.
Negating competition anxiety
There is one common mistake in men that I have observed working as a professional dating coach over my years. Interestingly, there seems to be a greater tendency amongst older men in their 40’s, 50’s or 60’s to commit this dating mistake.
I am referring to this error when a man believes that he needs to tell a woman everything about himself too early on in the dating process. He divulges his whole relationship history and clarifies that he wants to commit to her. In other words, he gives the woman ‘full disclosure.’
By disclosing that he wants to be monogamous with her, he removes any competition anxiety. This is because, in his mind, his commitment negates any potential interest shown in her by other men, thereby better securing his own position.
Yet, being so upfront in this manner is the worst thing that you can do when you start dating. It can kill any attraction immediately.
Overcommitting too soon
I, myself, am an advocate of not prematurely telling a woman about your past because when you first meet a woman, you are blank slates to one another. You are building mystery by not divulging all aspects of your life and relationship history on the first date.
Additionally, not sharing too much too soon:
- Influences her to want to know more about you in a more gradual way
- Is more effective in building a lasting connection and making you desired by her
Still, in the context of competition anxiety, that anxiety diminishes as soon as you express your commitment to date only her. Speaking your mind may at first seem rewarding as the woman is aware of your hope to be in a relationship with her. Yet, suddenly, she will go from thinking, “Oh, this guy has value, I need to try hard with him,” to relaxing, as you are, in effect, saying to her, “You are my only route to intimacy.”
Committing to a woman this early on in the dating process is harmful to any budding relationship. It makes you appear slightly hopeless, insecure and lacking other dating prospects.
The benefit of competition
As a general rule, people are at their best when there is competition. Take any of the greatest athletes in sports to gain an insight into this. Each was at their best when they had competition because it made them try harder and commit more.
Competition anxiety works much the same way in attraction and dating. Therefore, if you meet a woman who has a potential few other men she is interested in or who are interested in her, it will have the effect of making you more empowered to attract her and vice versa.
Competition anxiety helps us succeed in dating because it spurs us to be more dynamic and try harder to attract the other person. Moreover, it leads to sexual tension – and you need sexual tension if you want to be intimate with a woman and lead up to sex.
Accordingly, avoid having an early conversation about commitment and monogamy. All this does is remove the feeling of competition anxiety to your detriment – it will make you less desirable to the woman, generate uncertainty and put you straight into the friend zone.
To learn more about the friend zone and, importantly, how to extricate yourself from it, read my how to get out of the friend zone article. You can find some of the critical points in the snapshot underneath:
When you first meet a woman you like, think carefully about the access you give her to your social media. I recommend not exchanging Instagram details, as giving anyone total access to your Instagram automatically gives them insight into many aspects of your life.
In my view, Instagram should be kept as your route to business or friends. Therefore, it is better to exchange Whatsapp when you meet a woman. This way, she is limited in what she can deduce about you, other than your initial first impression.
Not giving her your Instagram will ensure:
- She avoids making any early assumptions or judgements about you
- You retain some mystery about you which is alluring
- She gets to know you in a more gradual manner
By only having your Whatsapp, she will be thinking about you more. You do not want to kill it by giving her visibility over your life too early on. Therefore keep the communication on Whatsapp and have Instagram only for business.
Below you will find an infographic guide to help you keep your messaging with a woman fun, engaging and, importantly, in a manner that conveys you are a self-assured man with no need to chase. To access the full detail, read my what to text a girl you like article.
The danger of full disclosure
Let us return to the foolishness of full disclosure in dating and how it sabotages attraction. I favour not going out for dinner with a woman on a first date because it is too much of an investment. It makes it too easy to cave in and say: Yep, so here is my relationship history. I am just letting you know in advance, so you know what you are buying into.
Disclosing your relationship history too early on:
- Kills all forms of mystery
- Makes a date dull and tedious
- Can put a woman off you instantly
You are much better placed keeping quiet about your past relationship history, as well as any conversations about monogamy and commitment.
Instead, focus on keeping the date fun and exciting. You will come across as far more of an attractive prospect by not talking about your past or displaying an eagerness to over-commit. After your date, what do you think is going to happen? She will be thinking to herself: This guy is relaxed and fun. Clearly, he is going to have other women interested in him.
Importantly, this has the following effects:
- She will be more invested in you
- You will have made a more alluring impression
- She will instigate texting you about your next date
First Date Questions
One great way to help you maintain dynamic energy on any first date is to play the Questions game. I developed this game several years ago. Many of my clients use it because it gives a supportive and straightforward framework to fall back on throughout the date if you find that conversation is dwindling or the energy is dropping.
You will find an overview of the rules in the infographic below. However, I recommend reading my first date questions article for the full details. In this article, I also give some invaluable questions you can use to flirt or connect with women.
Capitalising on competition anxiety
There is a scale to competition anxiety and making it work effectively for you in dating. If you have no competition anxiety, you are essentially sub-communicating that you do not have other dating options. Yet, too much competition anxiety is fruitless because it deters the other person from even trying to compete.
If we want to replicate the self-confident and dynamic man in his dating and life, he does not easily commit to anything because his life is in order. He is training at the gym. He is into his work and generally has things going on. And so why would he commit and invest too much too soon?
By replicating what attractive guys do, you can accomplish similar results. And how you do this on a broader scale is to look at your overall lifestyle. Your goals, interests and motivation in life are elements I have spoken about in previous blogs because they are so valuable to your level of desirability to women.
On Saturday, I hosted a course with one of my clients, who committed to taking another course in 30 days with me. In that period, he will be approaching ten women a day for that month. In effect, this will give him a year’s worth of experience within 30 days. Now, what do you think will happen to him in the next 30 days before he even takes the second course?
- Overcome his fear of approaching women – in a range of different scenarios
- Meet and interact with a lot of women – a number of whom will find him attractive
- Grow tremendously in confidence – which will filter through to every aspect of his life
In doing this, yes, he will face rejection, yet he will also feel more empowered and determined to succeed. He will be further on his way to transforming into a more attractive and confident man desired by women.
If you are single and reading this, I guarantee you are not speaking to enough women daily that you find attractive.
I appreciate how crippling that feeling of rejection can be and how it can hold you back, which is why I have created the following infographic as a guide to help define and overcome the different levels of rejection that we experience with women.
I suggest reading my corresponding how to handle rejection with women article if you want further advice on this topic as it will help you.
To succeed in dating, you need to be ready to face potential rejection when approaching and meeting women.
Hosting confidence courses for over ten years gives me the authority to speak about this, as a big part of my role involves taking men out in the real world and showing them how to approach and get real life success with women during the daytime.
It is powerful, transformational and it works.
As my infographic below shows, the only way you will become more successful and achieve better results with women is to approach and speak to more women. This means facing potential rejection. Consequently, take action. Go and talk to more women when the opportunity arises.
Even if you are scared, be courageous, seize the moment and do it anyway. Acting this way is the essence of what shapes you into a more confident and desirable man.
Giving men the skillset and confidence to overcome this barrier is what I specialise in. If you want to learn more about how to do this and the different ways I help men transform this area of their lives, read my daygame article.
If you are single and reading this, you ideally want to have several women texting you to meet up. Then you can choose who you want to go on a date with. This is because, in my experience, women will have several guys orbiting or trying to meet up with them.
Of course, this depends on where you live, but if you are in a major city, you should be going out and speaking to as many attractive women as possible to overcome your anxiety and fears.
Use it to create a mindset of success in your life. You will then find that a certain number of those women will want to go on a first and a second date.
Mindset of success
In sum, the best way to get competition anxiety working for you is to take action and speak to more women and face your fear of rejection. When an interaction with a woman is going well, and you come to exchange details, be clear with her and make your intentions known.
If you would like personal support on your journey to becoming a more confident and desirable man on your terms, then we can help you. As the image below outlines, we can teach you how to approach attractive women during the day.
This involves developing your confidence in several different settings that range from the high street to cafes and clothing stores to tourist hotspots. To find out more about how we can help, visit our transformational confidence courses page.
- Competition anxiety is a feeling that women have when other women are interested in a particular man.
- Being insecure and wanting to enter a relationship too soon will reduce the effects of competition anxiety.
- Speaking to more women in your day-to-day life is one way of utilising the power of competition anxiety.
Written by Gary Gunn
Gary Gunn is the bestselling author of An Education In (Online) Dating.
He has hosted over 1000 dating confidence courses in the UK and Europe, as well as over 1,500 courses conducted online.
Moreover, he is the head coach at Social Attraction and leads the team, training and courses.
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