Dating After Divorce For A Man | The Ultimate Guide (updated 2021)
In this article, I will be examining the issues surrounding what dating looks like after divorce for a man. I will be covering the exact steps that you should be taking if you are divorced and would like to start meeting and dating more women.
You will learn:
- Vital ways to help you process and move on from your divorce
- How to acquire the confidence to re-enter the world of dating
- Productive and sociable ways to spend your newly acquired free time
With the correct directed actions, you can begin to start taking control. Moreover, you can leave the darkness of your divorce behind you and instead look to the light in your future.
How should men start dating after a divorce?
It can be challenging for any newly divorced man to start dating again after a divorce. One impactful way to start this process of dating is to set your dating intent. In essence, this means that you write out what your ambition is for the next period of your life.
For example, if you have been married for 10, 20, 30 years, and you would like to know what it is like to date different women and to have shorter-term relationships. Then this forms part of setting your intent.
Set your dating intent
If truth be told, you have to consider that things have probably changed since you last dated. This can be a daunting prospect to some. Yet at the same time, the great news is that it is also the inception of the next part of your life. Taking the necessary time to think about what you want from dating will help steer you in the right direction.
The process begins when you take out a pen and paper or turn on your computer and you simply write out what your intention is from dating. Here it is important to remember that there is a difference between setting a goal and setting your intent.
For me, having an intent is far more powerful because it is less stressful and rigid than having a set goal.
Examples of setting your intent
Below you will find two examples outlining great intents to have for anyone looking to return to dating. They are not outcome orientated and are both within your control to achieve:
1 – My intent is to meet more women and speak to them when opportunities arise
2 – My intent is to online date and to message a certain amount of women per week
Above all, setting your intent also allows you to leave the past in the past and automatically focuses your mind on the future.
Benefits of setting intent
So simply changing your outlook from looking behind you to looking in front of you will:
- Immediately make you feel better
- Make your life feel more in your control
- Help you take the next steps towards that next period of your life
Here I would like to reassure you that dating new women does not need to be expensive. I have created the following infographic as a helpful guide outlining how to keep costs down. I also suggest you read my how to save money dating article to gain more helpful tips on how to have inexpensive yet engaging dates.
Is it hard to meet someone after a divorce?
It can be hard to meet someone after a divorce as your mindset and circumstances could now be significantly different. Perhaps you no longer have as many friends or feel out of touch with socialising and meeting new people.
One effective way to help you get back into dating is to join a new gym. Having new surroundings will get the endorphins flowing; you will meet new people; it will feel like a new you. Even if you already train at a gym you will find that going somewhere new to train can make an instantaneous positive impact on your life.
Join a gym
One of the most difficult things that can happen after a divorce is that you now have too much time on your hands. So actually going to a gym at a set time, however many days per week, gives you valuable structure.
Also, when you are at a new gym, you can meet more women there. Moreover, you could also meet more guys to become potential friends with and that you can go on nights out with. Or if they are also single – and even if they are not – they may be able to introduce you to some of their single female friends.
When you first walk into a new gym, my advice is simply to be sociable. Just talk to everyone. The first time you see someone, say hello, then the second time you can talk to them a little bit more.
Benefits of joining a gym
Over a period of time, going to a new gym:
- Gives you organisation and somewhere to be at a set time
- Motivates your training and gets the endorphins flowing
- Moves you away from that rut and towards meeting new people
You will spend less time thinking about the trauma of your past and more time working towards your future. This is part of the ritual of going into that next chapter of your life and leaving the past in the past.
As per the image below, meeting women at the gym is one location – among others – that we can teach you how to do with confidence. To find out more about our coaching options then visit our live training page and schedule a consultation call.
Why are relationships after a divorce so hard?
Relationships after a divorce can be hard as mentally and emotionally you may be holding on to certain thoughts and behaviours that dominated your last relationship. It can be difficult to let that go when you start afresh.
For any man who wants to get back into dating after a divorce one powerful thing I recommend you do is take the time to reflect on what has happened in your life.
In other words, take accountability and responsibility where appropriate. This means not solely blaming your ex-wife, her family members or anyone else for what has happened.
Instead, you have to look in the mirror and take responsibility where due. Because the moment you do that, you begin to realise that your life is in your hands and, importantly, is also in your control.
There are a few different things that you can do here that will help you. The first one is to journal. So take out a pen and paper or type on your computer, but the purpose here is to simply write out what happened; to get your truth on paper.
Recount how you feel about the events that took place and how you would have acted differently the next time around. This is a very cathartic way of letting go of your past as well as drawing lessons from it.
Another tool that will help you process past events is an emotional clearance exercise. This is where you actively consider the circumstances and issues from your past relationship that are affecting you emotionally.
In brief, you close your eyes and allow those feelings to bubble up. You give them a befitting colour and really focus your attention on them. After some time, they will flow to the colour of white. When this happens you are in the act of processing those emotions; taking away their power to affect you. At the end of this exercise, you will feel a renewed sense of calm.
If you would like to know exactly how to do an emotional clearance exercise, then just type into YouTube, Gary Gunn, emotional clearance. You will find a video of me showing you exactly what steps to take and you can do it alongside me. I cannot stress enough how huge a difference this will make to your mental wellbeing.
Having the ability to clear away emotions is one aspect of meditation. As a general rule, incorporating more meditative practices into your life will only have a positive impact.
Meditation will help you:
- Gain distance from your problems
- Clear your mind to give yourself mental clarity
- Reflect on what happened in an objective way
I designed the following infographic as a snapshot outlining how meditative practices can also help shape you to become a more attractive man. To learn more you can read my complete meditation article.
Ready to date after a divorce?
For any man who is ready to date after a divorce but who is lacking confidence, I recommend taking one of my dating confidence courses on Skype. The reason why I am suggesting this is because – from the comfort of your own home – you can have a coaching session with me and one of my female coaching assistants.
You can practise specific scenarios including:
- Approaching a new woman you find attractive
- Conversational strategies for a first date
- How to demonstrate empathy and connect with women
This is a really great and measured way of building up your confidence to make you feel more self-assured in navigating the world of dating.
Just to give you a quick and relevant story here. I recently took on a client who had been single for 35 years. He had a negative experience with a woman in his twenties which affected him deeply.
After 35 years of being single, I am sure you could imagine the lack of confidence that he had in his life. I began coaching him via Skype and by going through some dating role-plays with my female coaching assistants, he was able to meet, attract, and then start dating a woman that he met online.
That is the life-changing power of what you can do from the comfort of your own home, just by taking the steps to invest in yourself.
Scared to date after a divorce?
It can be a scary prospect for any man looking to return to dating after a divorce. It is unfamiliar territory and for many, it can feel far out of one’s comfort zone. One great way to ease yourself back into the world of dating and talking to new women is to online date.
It is, however, worth bearing in mind that online dating can be difficult because I think roughly between 60 to 70% of users are male. Do not feel put off though as, in my experience, you can still do very well online dating if you use the correct sites.
As a general rule paying online daters are more serious about finding a partner. The users have had to invest in the site rather than using free dating sites. Therefore they are often more sincere and committed. Accordingly, sites like Match.com represent more of a serious site to meet the right type of women if you are recently divorced.
Online dating help
For anyone who wants guidance on how to online date effectively, I have written an Education In Online Dating e-book. This is available on Amazon if you want help with knowing what are the best photos to use, how to write your profile and send messages.
If you are considering online dating as part of your dating strategy then my infographic underneath will also help you. This offers some insights into how to get your profile to perform well from the outset. To learn more about how to online date successfully you can also read my full online dating tips for men article.
How to date after a divorce?
One immediate course of action that will help any man to return to dating after a divorce is to join a social club or improv class. Or anything really where you are developing yourself in a new way.
Improv comedy classes are great and you can also do them online. They teach you how to be more at the moment and how to be fun and spontaneous. They also offer a great opportunity to meet other people, including women, with similar hobbies.
Pursue your interests
I am a big fan of taking classes or doing something you would not normally do. Where you can meet new and different people and also develop your life at the same time. This could be anything that you have always wanted to do. For instance, if it is a fitness goal and it means joining a new fitness social club, then go for it. Another added bonus is that you will also be able to talk about your new interest with other people that you meet day-to-day.
However, taking the time to think about what it is you want to do and then joining a club with other like-minded people will be transformative for you.
- Help you clear off the cobwebs from your past
- Offer you somewhere to be at a set time
- Give you a sense of community
Above all, it is moving you closer to becoming that new man that you want to be.
Ways to get back into dating
In addition to joining a new social club or improv class, I have included other paths outlining how to get back into dating in the infographic below.
These offer activities aimed at meeting new people that you can do solo or with friends. To find out more you can read my how to get back into dating article.
Starting over after a divorce?
For any man starting over and thinking about dating again after a divorce, one practical suggestion is to book an online speed dating event. These are great because, again, you can do this from your own house. So it offers another way to ease yourself back into dating in a comfortable and low pressured manner.
Simply type in online speed dating: you book in, and then you are given a set period from the comfort of your own home. Importantly, you get to speak to women that you would never normally meet in your day-to-day life.
This is a fantastic way of potentially meeting someone serious about dating. It will also help you shed any sense of rustiness at having not flirted and spoken to new women in a long time.
How to message women
I have included my infographic below as this gives a range of strategies in how to message women in a fun and flirty way. Significantly, you can use these text message techniques to connect with women that you meet in any of the avenues outlined in this article, including online dating.
If you want more detail on any of the strategies outlined below then read my how to text women article.
How to know if I am ready to date after a divorce?
We all know internally if we are ready to begin dating and to meet someone new after a divorce. Likewise, we also know whether we want time by ourselves to reflect. To pause and take some time to think about what has happened in our life.
I will say that if you still feel emotionally traumatised then you are not ready to date again. You are probably going to go on a rebound. Perhaps even enter a toxic or unhealthy relationship as you are not in the right frame of mind to be in a new relationship.
So my advice here would be to do the emotional clearance that I spoke about earlier. Start working on attending the new gym and the new goals that I have spoken about in this article. And when you are doing those new things and you are feeling good about yourself, you will then be in a position to start dating again. But if you feel raw then you want to take the time to reflect, pause, meditate, clear the emotions, sort yourself out; get yourself into the best possible state. Only then should you start to get back into dating to meet new women.
What is the best online dating site to use for divorced men?
I think Match.com is likely the best dating site to use for divorced men. EHarmony is another site I have heard people mention that they have gotten good matches and results from too. Accordingly, these would be the two that I most recommend to clients who wish to online date.
How long should a man wait to date after divorce?
There is no clear cut answer as to how long a man should wait to date after a divorce. Really it is different for every person that I have ever coached as the circumstances can be so diverse for each individual.
For example, if a woman has broken up with a man, he may need six months to just come to terms with what has happened. However, if it is the guy that has taken the steps to break up with the woman, then he could feel ready to date immediately.
So it really depends on your circumstances and your personal feelings towards them. It is entirely up to you and when you feel ready.
Why is dating after divorce so hard?
Dating after a divorce is hard because you have been out of the dating game for so long. You may have become rusty because you are not used to dating and participating in the varying customs it entails. So if you were married for 5 or 10 plus years, that is a long time and dating has probably changed tremendously. Perhaps there are new apps that weren’t around before. Maybe the rituals of what you do or how you communicate on dates have changed.
What I will say is that there is enough modern dating advice out there. I have over 200 episodes with modern dating advice on The Gary Gunn Show podcast where you can listen and learn, do your homework, and really understand how to date. This will help simplify it for you.
Additionally, if you have been previously married to someone and you are now dating again, then it is about setting the expectations of what this person wants from you and what you want from them. It can feel like challenging and uncertain ground. So my advice on that is simply to strip it back, take it one step at a time.
You should be looking at dating as a fun experience shared between two people, as opposed to trying to date too quickly or enter into a relationship. So strip it back; have the mindset of going back to being in your teens. Remember what it is like to date people and just go out there and have some fun.
How to go on a date after being married for so long?
The idea of going on a date after being married for so long can be incredibly daunting. One simple way to take the pressure off is to avoid going on a formal date. Instead, it is much easier to do an experience together that you share, rather than trying to do something too formal. All that does is add pressure on you and also the woman you are going on the date with.
So do something light-hearted, something fun. For instance, you could meet for an afternoon walk. You can grab a coffee or you do something together as opposed to sitting down eating a meal or going for cocktails in the evening. If you are feeling a bit more adventurous, you can register for one of the dog walking sites. You can start walking dogs if you are a dog fan – that is a great date to invite women along to.
But essentially what you are looking at doing is making it the smallest investment possible for a woman to join you on the date. And in my experience, if you make that something experiential, it makes it a lot easier. It is also far more fun for you both.
Taking the next steps
Dating after a divorce can be difficult – which is why we specialise in helping you to get back into dating. As per the image below we can coach you on how to approach attractive women, as well as offer many other confidence-building principles to help you feel more comfortable and self-assured in dating again.
To find out more about our tuition, you can visit our live training page.
- Set your intent. Take a pen and paper and write out exactly what your ambitions are with dating.
- Join a new gym as this gives you new surroundings and gets the endorphins flowing. You will meet other guys there and meet other women there.
- Reflect on what has happened in your life through meditation, journal writing and emotional clearances. Get yourself ready for your future and leave your past behind you.
- Take one of my dating confidence courses on Skype. These are a safe, secure and easy way to build your confidence with women from home.
- Online date is a way of easing yourself back into dating and talking to new women.
- Join a social club, improv comedy class or anything that gets you meeting like-minded people having somewhere to be. You will have fun and learn something new.
- Go online speed dating because it allows you to book in from home. Get your webcam set up and just go on loads of dates as a way of building your confidence.
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