Dating Coach For Men | 9 Signs Of Insecurity That Turn Women Off (2021)
In this dating coach for men article, I am going to outline the 9 signs of male insecurity that turn women off. I will go through the step-by-step behaviours – both consciously and subconsciously – that you may be exhibiting that is causing women to disengage.
Having an awareness of these signs of insecurity and working towards eradicating them will:
- Make you more attractive to women (straightaway)
- Stop you turning women off in conversation (at once)
- Allow you to get better dating results (long-term)
Likewise, it will also improve your relationships in all areas of life, including with friends, family and in the workplace.
To learn how to communicate with women the right way and gain instant success why not try one of our dating confidence courses? You can watch video testimonials from our clients on YouTube here: Dating confidence course for men reviews:
What is the main sign of insecurity?
One main sign of insecurity is when a man is negative towards others in conversation. In fact, negativity is a trait that can turn women instantly off – as who wants to spend time with someone who invariably looks at life through a negative and cynical filter?
For example, imagine you are with a girl on a date. You notice in the distance that there is another girl who is wearing a very short skirt. You point out: “Oh, look at that girl’s skirt. Why is she wearing that? She looks trampy.”
In essence, what you are really doing is being negative and drawing the energy down.
We all know someone who has an overly negative outlook on life. We may find that when we leave that person we feel in a worse place than we were before we met them; the reason being that negative people drain our energy. This can make it difficult to spend time with them.
Constantly being negative around a woman will draw that same reaction. This may cause her to:
- Not text you back
- Limit spending time with you
- Avoid talking to you on the phone
In my experience, most of us have only learned to be negative because of our upbringing or from the way that our friends and people that we know interact alongside us.
Changing a negative outlook begins by pausing in conversation and not immediately articulating the negative thought that you want to say. Instead, reframe that negative thought into finding something positive about that person or the situation. Simply having a steadfast awareness to not be negative will help you tremendously in your future interactions.
If we return to the earlier example of that girl wearing a short skirt, you could alternatively say: “Oh, wow! Look at her. Isn’t she confident in wearing that outfit?”
What happens over time is that you will gradually transition from being a negative person into a more positive one. This means:
- You exhibit more upbeat energy
- Women will want to be around you
- You will have better relationships
First date success
In short, you will become someone who people happily spend their time with. This is particularly important when you have just met a girl as you want to convey that you are fun and of good value. This is what will entice her to want to go on a date with you.
With this in mind, I created the following infographic as a guide for you to ensure that your first dates are memorable and fun. You can also read my first date tips article to obtain my easy to remember formula to make any first date a success.
What is the main characteristic of an insecure man?
The main characteristic of an insecure man is being judgmental. When you are judgmental, you assign a snap judgement to a situation or circumstances without sufficient information.
Ultimately these types of judgments are unattractive to a woman as, if directed at her or an issue that she cares about, you will make her feel defensive and irritated. In other words, you will hit her killswitch.
An example of being judgemental could be when she is talking about her friends or her family. You may judge one of them to be a certain way or to be a specific type of person and you say something disparaging about them.
As a consequence, she will:
- Feel tense and on edge around you
- Recognise that you are an insecure man
- Be wary of judgement directed towards her
When a woman feels judged, she will struggle to relax around you; she will wonder what are your true thoughts about her. It may even detrimentally affect the progress of any relationship.
Aim for objectivity
When expressing an opinion it is important to remember that there is a difference between being judgmental and being objective.
When you are being objective, you have no emotional attachment to the situation. This is the best-case scenario for any man when speaking to women as you are less connected to the outcome. In other words, you are more stoic in the way that you respond. By remaining objective:
- You are not as emotionally reactive
- You can demonstrate empathy
- Women will relax in your presence
You are, accordingly, less likely to say or communicate anything off-putting to women that you speak to. So remembering to be less judgemental and, instead, to be more objective in conversation with women will hugely improve your dating results.
To help improve your conversation skills with women take a look at the infographic I have devised for you below.
Adopting these principles will enhance your attractiveness to women as you will come across as more stoic and self-assured. I recommend you also read my corresponding dating tips for men article as I look into each of these nine dating traits and how to attain them in more detail.
One common male insecurity
One common male insecurity that turns women off is exhibiting self-doubt during a conversation. Self-doubt can come up in many different ways.
As a dating coach for men, one of the ways that I often see when I host my dating confidence courses is when a client is speaking to a girl. He has an opinion about something, then the girl challenges him and he quickly changes his mind and rescinds his opinion.
Having self-doubt in this situation only serves to sub-communicate that you lack confidence in yourself and that you can be easily moved. Changing your opinion conveys a lack of conviction. These are unappealing qualities to women.
In this situation, you are better off sticking to your opinion, even if you say something where you think: “Oh, maybe I shouldn’t have said it like that.” Do not rescind. Just keep to that belief and see where it takes you. If you say something that sounds stupid or you say something you actually do not agree with, simply change it for the next time around.
But do not be so easily moved from your initial expressed opinion because that merely sub-communicates self-doubt and does not come across well to the recipient in conversation.
One important aspect of being a self-assured attractive man is to have healthy personal boundaries in your relationships with others. This means placing a value on yourself, your obligations and your time.
This is an important mindset to adhere to when dating women as the attractive man does not immediately put the girl that he is dating above his friends and lifestyle. Instead, he realises that having healthy boundaries at the start of any new relationship ensures that he remains the same attractive person throughout the course of that relationship.
I have created the following infographic as a simple instructive guide depicting how to create healthy personal boundaries in your dating life. To learn more read my healthy boundaries with women article.
How do men deal with insecurity?
There are different ways that men deal with insecurity. Many men who feel insecure or uncomfortable in themselves can come across as shy or standoffish to new people. This means they may find it difficult to hold eye contact and appear cold and unapproachable in their manner.
Being shy is a trait that can put women off for the simple reason that shy men do not interact with as many women as confident guys. If you are shy you are less likely to:
- Start conversations with women
- Ask for a girl’s number
- Bounce back from rejection
In the instance that you get eye contact, or perhaps receive other go-ahead signals from women, you may lack the confidence to actually pursue them. Consequently, being shy or inhibited – not only in conversation – but in your nature as a person will prevent you from meeting as many different women as someone who is not shy.
If you are shy or apprehensive around women this is a key area that my role as a dating coach for men can help you to overcome. One aspect that I teach in my courses to overcome shyness is called getting proximity.
Getting proximity will help diminish your anxiety. All it means is that in your mind, you do not think about starting a conversation. You only think about getting close enough to start a conversation if you wanted to. It will allow you to physically move closer. And when you are comfortable doing that, you can then develop your confidence in starting a conversation with a woman.
But, ultimately, if you are shy or reserved because of a personal negative experience and you cannot start conversations with women that will impact your dating confidence massively.
My infographic below offers guidance on how to manage rejection from women. I also recommend you read my how to handle rejection with women article where I delve into each of the three types of rejection and offer ways that will help you move past them.
How do men get over insecurities?
There are many different ways for men to get over their insecurities. Importantly, the first step is acknowledging that insecurity exists as how can you overcome specific anxiety that is holding you back in life if you are unable to admit to its presence?
One giveaway sign of insecurity is being unable to hold any form of eye contact with a woman. There can be a variety of reasons for this, but I have often found a notable cause is toxic shame.
Toxic shame impacted my life for many years. I have filmed some videos on my YouTube channel focusing on how to use meditation to remove toxic shame. This made a profound difference to my confidence as a man. If you are someone that suffers from this issue this will also help you.
Take a moment and visualise being introduced to someone standing with your chin up and your shoulders and chest back. This instantly displays outward confidence and poise.
In contrast, if you look down to the floor with hunched over shoulders you are already sub-communicating shame. And shame is strikingly linked to your sexuality. If you are communicating shame by not holding eye contact, women will pick up on this. It is an instant sign of insecurity.
Reducing levels of toxic shame
Remember you can still attract and date women if you feel shame. Indeed shame can be a good emotion as long as it is not toxic and as long as it is not out of control.
However, there are notable levels to that feeling of shame that impact your life on some level. So, for example, if you feel shame at a level of eight or nine, you will want to reduce that feeling down to a five. By diminishing the power of this emotion over you, you will be able to hold a woman’s gaze and progress on to holding a conversation. This will be a cornerstone in any future interactions you have.
Below is an infographic flow guide I devised to outline the basic steps to clear toxic shame. You can also access my related toxic shame article and tutorial videos to learn more.
A less obvious sign of insecurity
A less obvious sign of insecurity is being unable to carry on a conversation with women. Every person is individual, so there may be a single factor or a number of factors giving rise to this difficulty in conversing comfortably.
Causes could range from an inability to actively listen or find commonalities with others, or experiencing difficulty in paying attention, to even overthinking what to say.
It could simply be feeling that you lack adequate knowledge (and therefore the accompanying confidence that comes from being well-read and knowledgable) to contribute to the dialogue beyond that initial introductory moment.
Inability to converse
This is something that amazed me when I first started coaching around a decade ago. I would show guys how to continue conversations – and the first two to five minutes were awesome, but then it would dwindle off. This is really what I used to specialise in; that initial first impression.
It was only perhaps three or four years into working as a dating coach for men when I started doing more classroom-based coaching that I began to focus on longer conversations with clients. What I found is that a lot of clients struggled to continue a conversation with a girl after they had made their introduction. It seemed to be a genuine sticking point for many of them.
There are various ways to become more accomplished in speaking comfortably and at length with women. One effective course of action is to build upon your conversation ammunition.
In short, conversation ammunition comprises your ability to converse with others in a manner that is interesting and articulate. Having strong conversation ammunition makes you a more attractive man because it allows you to fall back on a broad and comprehensive range of topics. This means that you have more nuggets of information at your disposal to keep a conversation interesting and appealing to the woman you are speaking to.
Indeed, the greater the experiences and knowledge you have accrued in life, the more things you have to talk about. This is a huge tool that is within your control and that you can improve upon; it simultaneously enhances your character.
You improve your conversations by:
- Watching documentaries
- Reading wider-ranging books
- Travelling and having different experiences
Another way to continue a conversation with a girl is by using word association. This involves selecting one of her words out of any sentence that she uses and speaking about that word – this will also help you to keep the conversation flowing and is a communication technique I teach in my courses.
Learn to converse
Ultimately, however, if you are speaking to an attractive woman and you cannot continue a conversation, it is going to fall flat. It does not matter how good-looking or toned you are, these traits will not help you if you cannot continue an exchange with a woman.
As per the image below we can teach you how to turn a woman on and connect with her in conversation. To find out more about our dating coaching visit our live training page.
How to stop being so insecure?
You can stop being so insecure if you take the steps to acknowledge it and address the areas of your life where it is affecting you; whether this is in your appearance, conversation or body language.
One notable sign that you are an insecure man is if you never disagree with a woman’s opinion. You see, most of us most of the time, especially around attractive women, do not want to get anything wrong. This can directly affect the way in which we speak as well as the words that we select when in dialogue.
By being automatically agreeable around women we run the danger of becoming a people-pleaser, placing too much value on what she says and not given enough weight to our own thoughts and opinions.
In making sure everything goes right we:
- Nod in conversation
- Agree with her unquestioningly
- Freely accept what she says about everything
Then what we find is that we are consigned to the friend-zone. Or the relationship does not go the way that we want it to.
Take her off auto-pilot
If you flip that coin onto the other side and you decide to actually give your opinion and disagree with a woman occasionally, what you will find is that it takes her off off autopilot. When a woman is off autopilot, she enters into a proper conversation with you.
This is another aspect that I teach my clients on my Skype coaching sessions; to be disagreeable on purpose. For instance, shaking your head when a girl is speaking to convey disagreement with her words. This could be if you know more than her on a subject or have a different perspective. In that specific scenario, under my guidance, you can see the difference that it makes to your dating interactions – and it is huge.
Being disagreeable when you oppose what a woman is saying will:
- Stop you being friend-zoned
- Take her off autopilot
- Initiate flirting
This is a very powerful thing to do and it shows real confidence as a man. For other valuable tips to stop you from being friend-zoned by a girl see my infographic below. You can also read my how to stop being the nice guy article.
Signs of an insecure man
A clear sign of an insecure man is when you list your achievements or you try and exaggerate who you are as a person. This is off-putting not only to women but generally to anyone that you meet.
A primary focus that I teach my clients is to develop naturally good conversation skills; a facet of which is to relay childhood stories to build a connection. On occasion, a client will make the story up and I have to point out: “No, don’t do that. You’re exaggerating, and it is obvious.”
Instead, relay genuine stories about yourself. You do not need to try and be over the top. You do not need to try and impress someone because when you do that you are putting that other person on a pedestal above you.
I am sure you know when someone is trying to be your friend or trying too hard with you. You can sense there is something disingenuous in their words and actions. This may be easily identifiable in others, yet we struggle to identify this in ourselves. So it is really important – you do not need to exaggerate.
Become the genuine article
If you are not happy with certain aspects of your life then change them. Start to work towards having a better quality of life, because that way you will not need to take the shortcut.
You will not need to embellish or lie, because, trust me, it will come back to haunt you. Also, it is remarkably unattractive and turns women off at that moment, as they will immediately see through it.
It is with this sentiment in mind that I created the following infographic as the five principles outlined will help you to be more composed and less try-hard in your interactions with women. You can read my corresponding how to never be needy with women article to learn more about how to adopt these principles in your own life.
Male body signs of insecurity
Male body signs of insecurity entail having closed or tense body language around women. This could be having tight hunched shoulders, putting your hand in front of your face to block it or folding your arms.
These poses convey defensiveness, unapproachability and a need for self-protection. They sub-communicate that you are not a confident man.
Closed body language
Remember that body language forms a huge part of how you are perceived by others. Therefore try and avoid:
- Putting your hands in front of your body
- Placing your hands in front of your face
- Crossing your arms over your chest
Instead, stand with your shoulders slightly back, chin up slightly in the air with uncrossed arms. You may feel vulnerable and insecure at first but you will never get over your fears unless you start addressing them.
Adopt open body language
By changing your body language to be more open you will come across as more friendly, approachable and confident. You will also convey more masculine and more attractive traits. Your posture is, indeed, one of the key traits that a woman will assess when she first meets you.
Masculine traits allow women to feel safe and secure in your presence and form the first foundations of a seduction. If you want to understand more about the different aspects of seduction and how to be more seductive in your interactions with women my infographic below will help you.
You can also read my seduction techniques article to learn more about each aspect. If you want help to develop this area of your life then visit the Social Attraction live training page and book a consultation call with me.
- Being negative when speaking to women. You do not need to be negative. Instead, flip it on the side and become more positive.
- Being judgemental in conversation. Remove the emotions attached to what you are talking about. Pull yourself back and aim to be objective instead.
- Having self-doubt. This is where you give your opinion and a girl says something different leading you to change your opinion. Be more resolute.
- Shyness by not starting conversations. Type in Gary Gunn, how to approach women on Youtube if you want more strategies on how to do that. I also have classroom-based footage with women where you can watch it live.
- Being unable to hold eye contact due to the shame. You can buy books to work on this or try the meditation practises that I spoke about.
- Not being able to continue a conversation. Read more books, learn more things; have a wider variety of things that you can talk to women about.
- Never disagreeing with women. If you disagree with her opinion, then be firm and disagree.
- Trying to impress women by exaggerating what you do or listing your achievements. This is unattractive. Instead, be mysterious and let them find out naturally.
- Having closed body language. This makes you appear unapproachable and defensive. Instead, adopt more open body language; shoulders back, arms uncrossed, chin up.
Written by Gary Gunn
Gary Gunn is the bestselling author of An Education In (Online) Dating.
He has hosted over 1000 dating confidence courses in the UK and Europe, as well as over 1,500 courses conducted online.
Moreover, he is the head coach at Social Attraction and leads the team, training and courses.
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