How To Get Your Ex Girlfriend Back | The Ultimate Guide (updated 2021)

How To Get Your Ex Girlfriend Back | The Ultimate Guide (updated 2021)

Written by dating coach for men Gary Gunn - Founder of Social Attraction

In this article, you will learn how to get your ex girlfriend back.

I will be going through everything that I have learned over the past ten years working as a professional dating coach.

Covered in this feature:

  • How to rekindle the spark in your relationship (fast)
  • Ways to draw your ex girlfriend back into your life (that work)
  • Tips on becoming a more attractive dating prospect to women (for life)

To give you some real-life context, a 25-year-old client of mine left his journal at his new girlfriend’s house by mistake. She opened up his diary and read everything that he had written since I started coaching him three months before. Every interaction with different women recorded, all of my coaching on paper and areas for improvement written down. He had not told his girlfriend that I was coaching him and she broke up with him with immediate effect. He called me and we implemented some of the strategies outlined in this article and they were back together within three days.

Powerful principles that work, I hope they can assist you in the same way.

To help regain your confidence with women, take a look at our client reviews and book onto our next available dating confidence course. Watch them on YouTube here: Dating confidence course for men reviews:

Daygame dating course for men to regain confidence

How to get your ex girlfriend back after a break up?

The first tip on how to get an ex girlfriend back is to return to how you were when you first met her.

This means:

  • Being playful with her
  • A fun and easy-going outlook
  • Having no serious conversations

A common thing that guys will initially say to me is: “I need to get her there to have a serious conversation.”

I immediately reply: “No, you don’t. Definitely do not do that. Definitely do not try and have a serious conversation.”

Your aim should be to showcase to your ex-girlfriend that you are indeed the same person that she liked when you first met.

Therefore dismiss the idea of all of this serious talk, all of this having it out.

Rekindling the spark

What you need to do is to relax and view the situation like you are dating again for the very first time.

Now, what does this mean? It means that you go and do fun stuff together.

You don’t sit down for a formal meal to talk things over; to initiate that serious conversation.

Instead, you want to go out and do fun activities like the following:

  • Go hiking
  • Play pool
  • Visit an arcade
  • Play crazy golf
  • Try bouldering

In essence, go and do anything together that will allow you to have fun and steer away from that serious conversation.

And if your ex brings up having that serious conversation with you, then I would advise you respond: “Let’s talk about that later. I’m enjoying spending too much time with you at the moment.”

You put off having that conversation.

Becoming attractive again

Before you know it the more intoxicating you will become; because the more fun you are, the less serious you are.

And, as a result, the more attractive you will be.

That is one of the cast-iron ways that can help get your ex back by allowing her to view you in a different light.

As per the image below we can teach you how to flirt with women including your ex-girlfriend. You can find out more by visiting my live training page.

Model next to three ways to flirt with women

How to get back with your ex girlfriend?

The second tip on how to get your ex back is to put your life in order.

However, you shouldn’t do this for the sole purpose of declaring your love for a girl; “I’m going to get my life in order so that she will want me back.”

Instead, you are getting your life in order because, clearly, it is out of order if she has lost her interest in you.

Getting your life in order

Learning something new is a great way to get your life in order.

When we learn something new it fires off new neuro-pathways in our brain.

This means:

  • Our thinking is clearer
  • We have improved energy
  • We feel and act more alive

In my experience, taking a course in anything new is going to help you to get your life back in order and to feel more confident.

Dating confidence course

I cannot tell you the number of clients that have come to my dating confidence courses to get their life in order and their ex-girlfriend back.

They take a course, they learn all the communication skills, the meditation practises that I teach.

They get their life in order and off the back of it, they have this newfound confidence. The ex gets back in contact and they end up dating again.

Taking responsibility

If your life is out of order and in chaos you need to accept that is your responsibility.

Trying to live through your ex, or declaring your love for her, or thinking that you need her in your life, is not only unattractive.

It is also a little bit repulsive.

Besides, as a general rule, we are drawn to people that have nice energy about them.

Showcasing your attractive qualities

So getting your life in order quickly is a great way of getting your confidence back and showcasing your attractive qualities to your ex-girlfriend.

But as I say, don’t do it just because you want to declare your love for her. That is the wrong thing to do and she will see right through it.

If you want further information on what traits are unattractive to women then take a look at my infographic below. You can also read my full dating coach for men article for the entire picture.

Nine tips to get your ex girlfriend back by becoming a more confident man

How to get your ex girlfriend back fast by text message?

If you want to get back together with your ex girlfriend then first of all, never suggest it over a text message.

Just don’t do it.

I know what you are going to do, you are going to think about doing it anyway, but when you are about to feel yourself suggest it, try and refrain.

It is more powerful to wait and allow the girl to suggest it to you.

Attractive behaviours

Instead, you focus your energy on the following:

  • Being fun and playful
  • Enjoying time together
  • Working on developing your life

Do not start saying: “Oh, we should get back together”, because that simply shows neediness and will put her off.

You need to demonstrate to her that you are fine by yourself and that your life is going in a good direction.

I have included my infographic below to give you some fun and playful ways to be flirty in your interactions with your ex. You can also read my full how to flirt with women article.

9 ways to flirt and try and get your ex girlfriend back

How to get your ex girlfriend back long distance relationship?

The fourth tip on how to get your ex back is to not jump through all of the unnecessary hoops to try and get her back.

I understand that it is a tough situation when you have been in a long term relationship.

You like this girl. She has broken up with you and you want to get her back. Consequently, you are now willing to do whatever it takes to do that.

Trying too hard

Jumping through hoops may look like any of the following:

  • Declaring your love for her
  • Sending her flowers by courier
  • Going out of your way to do things for her that she hasn’t asked you to do.

This is a thing that a lot of ex-boyfriends do as they try to overcompensate.

Oh, you need a new car? I can help you with that; I will do this and I will do that.”

Again though, this is the wrong thing to do.


In my experience, guys tend to make up most of these hoops for themselves anyway: “I’m going to do this for her and I’m going to show her.”

The more you do that, the further you go away from your centre. And the further you go from being viewed as attractive to her.

If you struggle in keeping your composure around your ex, or women more generally, I would suggest looking at my infographic below for helpful tips. You can also read my how to stop being the nice guy article.

5 ways to seduce women by not demonstrating needy behaviour - helpful in getting your ex girlfriend back

How to get your ex girlfriend back even if it seems impossible?

Another ideal way to try and get your ex back even if it seems impossible is to become a leader in your life and not a follower.

This is one of the biggest aspects that I teach on my skype dating confidence courses; to lead and not follow. There are many different ways you can do this in your life.

First of all, you can stop asking everyone for advice unless you are paying for the advice.

Seeking the right council

Here I mean simply stop asking friends and family for their advice on an area where they are not qualified to give it.

In my experience, you are better off hiring a professional that can help give you cast-iron advice. Leave the advice-asking to the professionals and not through friends and family.

It illustrates so much insecurity and indecision when you are always asking people: “What do I do here? What do I do there?”

Instead, you get the right advice from the outset and you make a decision and you stick by it.

Making life decisions

Several years ago when I first sold my shares in my previous business to set up Social Attraction, everyone in my life told me it would be a failure.

Everyone told me it is never going to work. Everyone told me that I was dreaming and you know what?

To a certain extent they were right because the person I was when I first started my business is not the person that is writing this today.

Becoming a leader

It doesn’t matter because the man that made that decision to go for it was a leader. And yes, I went through difficult periods when I first started my business.

However, in making that decision to lead my life, taking on the challenge and making it work no matter what happens, is taking charge of your life.

That kind of person is attractive to women because he is:

  • Conveying self-assurance
  • Not giving in to fear
  • Leading his life

This type of man is also confident in communicating his thoughts and feeling to women in a charismatic way.

As per the image below we can teach you how to speak to non-responsive women. To find out more about our coaching then visit my live training page and see what dating courses we offer.

Non-responsive model next to three ways to engage her in conversation

How to get your ex girlfriend back from another guy?

Getting your ex girlfriend back from another guy is possible.

Sometimes a girl may need to start dating someone new to give herself a contrast to appreciate you and your relationship together.

At the end of the Count of Monte Cristo, a 1000 word french classic that had a great impact on me, are the words “wait and hope.”

These were the final words the author wanted to remain with us. Remember them as this sentiment can help soothe our minds when we are feeling weak.

Unattractive character traits

Over the last 10 years, I have hosted an array of different dating confidence courses for men.

From taking my clients out into the real world and watching how they communicate to doing classroom-based learning and also via Skype tuition.

This has given me a unique observational awareness of the unattractive behavioural or character traits that men carry out when speaking to women.

Unattractive dating behaviours

Below are the top five behaviour traits that tend to put most women off us.


  • Judgmental
  • Negative
  • Self-indulgent
  • Opinionated
  • Dismissive

We will look at each of these attributes in more detail through the rest of this article.

I have created the following infographic for you as a guide to being less needy with women (including your ex girlfriend). You can also read my full dating advice for men article for more information.

5 ways to stop conveying neediness to women

How to get your ex girlfriend back without looking desperate?

To get your ex-girlfriend back without looking desperate you need to become less try hard in your dating life.

This means becoming a more attractive dating option to women.

In my experience, the best way to start is to work on a quick win.

Being judgemental

This is when we assign a judgement to people and generally are mean about their appearance or their character traits.

When you are assigning judgements, what you are really doing is taking all of the information that is around you and you are assigning a judgement to a specific area.

This has the effect of offering a woman an insight into what your personality is like. If you are judging other people, how do you think she feels that you will be like with her?

  • She will experience anxiety
  • Worry that you will judge her
  • Second-guess what she says to you

Instead, being non-judgemental will cause her to:

  • Respect you more
  • Relax in your presence
  • Be more invested in you

Being judgemental will, I guarantee you turn women off every single time.

Turning women off

I have seen this happen so many times where interactions are going really well and, all of a sudden, someone becomes judgmental in some way.

And at once the girl loses interest.

This is one of the most frustrating aspects of dating; not knowing where you are going wrong.

If you struggle with turning women off, then as you can see by the infographic below, this is an area I can help you with.

On my courses:

  • We do role-plays with my female coaching assistants
  • All of the sessions are filmed for you to keep
  • Find out where you are going wrong
  • Improve your conversation skills

For more information about my coaching click on Social Attraction live training page.

A model next to three ways Social Attraction can help you to talk to any woman

How to get your ex girlfriend back when she is seeing someone else?

When your girlfriend is seeing someone else it is better to spend your time developing your life as opposed to entering into a chasing mentality.

When you fall into the scarcity trap and chase after your ex girlfriend you become desperate and unattractive.

Instead, focus on different elements in your life that allow you to become more attractive to all women.

Being negative

I am not saying you have to be the most optimistic man in the world, but you do have a choice on how you decide to view situations.

And being pessimistic about everything is really draining.

We all know someone who naturally has a pessimistic filter, who:

  • Is pessimistic about life
  • Has a general air of misery
  • Only sees the negative in situations

It is exhausting to be around someone who is pessimistic; who has been there, seen it, done it, and who already knows what is going to happen in advance.

Your dating energy

Over a longer period of time, being pessimistic can take the spark out of a relationship.

  • In contrast, when you meet someone optimistic, it is like a breath of fresh air
  • You meet a girl and you are optimistic about things coming up in your day
  • There is energy and all of a sudden that girl you are speaking to wants to be part of that energy source

She doesn’t want to feel awful after speaking to you because you have drained her energy

Positivity around women

So remember that being negative and being pessimistic, is unattractive to women.

One key way to inject positivity and energy into your conversations with your ex, or with women more generally, is by being more high energy and personal in your conversations.

I have created the following infographic for you to help you speak to women in your life.

You can also read my how to speak to women article to ensure she will remember you in conversation.

5 tips to help you speak to women including your ex girl friend

Tips on how to get your ex girlfriend back?

The best tip to get your ex girlfriend back is to become more humble in the way that you speak to women.

Often we can put women off dating us without knowing the reason.

In my experience, one notable reason is that we think too highly of ourselves and are too insecure to give anyone else the limelight, even for a second.

Being self-indulgent

Being self-indulgent means bragging about our achievements and generally being too ego-driven.

I have seen this many different times. It is almost like we are at a job interview: we start speaking to a woman and declare;

“Yeah, well, when I did this.. when I did that ..when I did this.. when I did that.”

Being ego-driven

When we are listing achievements, what does that say about us? It highlights that we are too ego-driven.

It shows that our whole life is more about achievement and little about the enjoyment of what it is that we are doing.

And that is a big one for women because they enjoy sharing experiences as opposed to just hearing “I’ve done this and I’ve done that.”

Switching women off

Being ego-driven is a very unattractive trait.

It can switch women off immediately when you first meet them or wear them down over time in a relationship.

Significantly, if you want to speak about your achievements there is a more powerful way of doing that.

Switching women on

If you want to say: “I’ve travelled to 57 countries in the world,” what you could say instead is: “When I was travelling in South America, I noticed this.

Speaking in this manner conveys nicer aspects about you. It shows you as:

  • More humble
  • More attractive
  • A better conversationalist

Being a more effective and considered communicator is one of the fundamental skills that I teach. It will make you more attractive to all women.

As per the image below we can coach you how to stop chasing women. This is useful when you are trying to draw your ex-girlfriend back into your life.

To find out more about our coaching then view our live training page.

Model next to three ways to stop chasing women

How to get your ex girlfriend back if she has moved on?

If your ex girlfriend has moved on it does not mean that she is forever lost.

It just means for the time being your lives and not entwined together. For me, this is an opportunity for some self-reflection and learning.

The Tao To Ching (one of the world’s oldest spiritual texts) taught me to view each life experience as new. This had the effect of allowing me to enjoy my life even when I am going through challenging periods.

Being opinionated

It can be easy to be opinionated about our life circumstances. To close our minds off to preserve our current view of the world.

This is where we tend to go wrong in life; by not listening to men and women who are further down the line in their life development.

Being opinionated is a way of knowing that we are closed-minded.

Below are a few signs to recognise when we are opinionated:

  • We talk over everyone else
  • Give unsolicited advice to people
  • Are nosy about everything and anything

Whenever we find ourselves giving unsolicited advice to someone, that is giving our opinion. And again, it is so off-putting to women particularly over the course of a longer-term relationship.

Giving advice

Remember it is different if you are asked for assistance or for help. Then you are welcome to give it.

But if you are someone who gives an unwelcome opinion about everything too often all it does is add strain to the conversation.

It makes it so boring for the woman you are speaking to.

Contrastingly, if a girl is speaking about something, you do not need to give your opinion if it is not warranted.

Instead, you can:

  • Actively listen
  • Demonstrate empathy
  • Reflect back what she says

All of this will help you build a connection with her or regain a connection with your ex.

You will also find some other helpful ways to connect with women in my infographic below. In addition, you can read my how to connect with women article.

5 ways to demonstrate empathy with women

How long does it take for an ex girlfriend to come back?

That depends on the impact you made in your relationship as well as the outward circumstances that are out of your control.

Whether you live in close proximity to each other, her other dating options and your emotional connection all play a role in whether your ex girlfriend wants to date you again.

One area to focus your attention on if your ex girlfriend comes back into your life is your engagement levels.

Being dismissive

Being dismissive is when you are not listening and are disengaged.

This a big cause for a break up in relationships.

The reason why we tend to disengage with women over the course of our relationships is because of self-interest.

In the modern world, it can be difficult to make an impact and therefore we fall into the trap of placing our needs above everyone else’s.

Being engaged

In my experience, the only way to become re-engaged with women and also life is to become more organised.

This means taking accountability and responsibility for the tasks in your life. The more your life is in order the more you are able to relax without any background distractions in your mind.

Meditation changed the way that I engage with the world.

It has enabled me to relax, get my life in order and has increased the fulfilment in my life.

I have created the following infographic depicting meditation practices that can help you in all areas of your life. You can also read my in-depth meditation article which contains tutorial videos to help you grasp the practices.

7 meditative practices will make you more attractive


  • Go back to acting how you first did when you first met her. Be enjoyable, be fun, share experiences together.
  • Get your life in order by learning something. Read a random new book, take one of my dating confidence courses, go and learn meditation, do something new that gets your brain firing.
  • Never suggest getting back together. As soon as you do that, remember you are going to hit her kill switch.
  • Do not jump through all of these fake hoops that we put in our mind. Do not try and declare your love and do everything for her to get her back. That is also going to hit her kill switch and it is never going to work.
  • Become a leader and not a follower in your life. This means taking accountability for your life, getting the advice that you need, making a decision and sticking with that decision. It is fine to be wrong. The point is you made a decision and leaders make decisions.
  • The five mistakes that instantly turn your ex girlfriend off; being judgmental, negative, self-indulgent, opinionated and dismissive.

Written by Gary Gunn

Gary Gunn is the bestselling author of An Education In (Online) Dating.

He has hosted over 1000 dating confidence courses in the UK and Europe, as well as over 1,500 courses conducted online.

Moreover, he is the head coach at Social Attraction and leads the team, training and courses.
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