How To Get Your Ex Girlfriend Back (Fast) | A Step-By-Step Guide

How To Get Your Ex Girlfriend Back (Fast) | A Step-By-Step Guide

Written by dating coach for men Gary Gunn - Founder of Social Attraction

In the first part of this article, I will show you how to get your ex girlfriend back by inducing her to become attracted to you like she was when you first met her.

I will go through five different ways that you can use immediately that will help you to regain your confidence in a relationship or a previous relationship.

We will be covering the following points:

  • Adopting the right mindset
  • Getting your life in order
  • Becoming a leader

In the second part of this article, I am going to draw your attention to five of the main character traits that women find unattractive in a man.

If you are trying to rekindle your relationship, this section is crucial to you.

  • You will gain an insight into some of the negative behaviours that you have exhibited over the period of your relationship, and how they may have led to its demise
  • You will learn better ways of communicating that will improve your conversations, not only with your ex-girlfriend but with everyone in your life

Before we begin, it is important to realise that sometimes relationships can not be saved and to consider whether your relationship has come to its finite conclusion.

If that is the case, then it is more about acceptance and moving on to the next phase of your life.

If you identify with this then I suggest you take a look at my infographic below to learn helpful ways to help ease you back into dating.

You can also read my full article by clicking this link – How To Get Back Into Dating | The Ultimate Guide (Top 15 Ways)

15 ways to get back into dating if you are unable to get your ex back

How To Get Your Ex Girlfriend Back #1 – Go Back To How You Were When You First Met

The first tip on how to get an ex girlfriend back is to return to how you were when you first met her:

  • Playful
  • Fun and easy-going
  • No serious conversations

A common thing that guys will initially say to me is: “I need to get her there to have a serious conversation.”

I immediately reply: “No, you don’t. Definitely do not do that. Definitely do not try and have a serious conversation.”

Your aim should be to showcase to your ex-girlfriend that you are indeed the same person that she liked when you first met.

Therefore dismiss the idea of all of this serious talk, all of this having it out.

Go and rekindle the fun parts of your relationship.

What you need to do is to relax and view the situation like you are dating again for the very first time.

Now, what does this mean? It means that you go and do fun stuff together.

You don’t go and sit down and have a meal to talk things over; to initiate that serious conversation.

Instead, you want to go out and do fun activities like the following:

  • Go hiking
  • Play pool
  • Go and play crazy golf
  • Visit an arcade
  • Try bouldering

In effect, go and do anything together that will allow you to have fun and steer away from that serious conversation.

And if the girl brings up having that serious conversation with you, then I would advise you respond: “Let’s talk about that later. I’m enjoying spending too much time with you at the moment.”

You put off having that conversation.

Before you know it the more intoxicating you will become; because the more fun you are, the less serious you are.

And, as a result, the more attractive you will be.

That is one of the cast-iron ways that can help get your ex back by allowing her to view you in a different light.

As per the image below we can teach you how to flirt with women including your ex-girlfriend.

To find out more about our coaching then you can visit the following link – Skype dating confidence courses for men.

Model next to three ways to flirt with women

How To Get Your Ex Girlfriend Back #2 – Get Your Life In Order

The second tip on how to get your ex back is to get your life in order.

You shouldn’t do this to declare your love for a girl; “I’m going to get my life in order so that she’ll want me back.”

Instead, you are getting your life in order because, clearly, it is out of order if she has lost her interest in you.

So you want to get your life in order ideally by learning something new.

When we learn something new it fires off new neuro-pathways in our brain, meaning:

  • Our thinking is clearer
  • We have improved energy
  • We feel and act more alive

In my experience, taking a course in anything new is going to help you to get your life back in order and to feel more confident.

Consider taking a dating confidence course to help get your ex back.

I cannot tell you the number of clients that have come to my dating confidence courses to get their life in order and their ex-girlfriend back.

They take a course, they learn all the communication skills, the meditation practises that I teach.

To sum up, they get their life in order and off the back of it, they have this newfound confidence. The ex gets back in contact and they end up dating again.

If your life is out of order and in chaos you need to accept that is your responsibility.

Trying to live through your ex, or declaring your love for her, or thinking that you need her in your life, is not only unattractive. It is also a little bit repulsive.

Besides, as a general rule, we are drawn to people that have nice energy about them.

We are not drawn to needy and desperate try-hard people.

So getting your life in order quickly is a great way of getting your confidence back and showcasing your attractive qualities to your ex-girlfriend.

But as I say, don’t do it just because you want to declare your love for her.

That is the wrong thing to do and she will see right through it.

If you want further information on what traits are unattractive to women then take a look at my infographic below. You can also read my full article here – Dating Coach For Men | 9 Signs Of Male Insecurity That Turn Women Off.

I will also be going into more detail on some of these unattractive traits in the second part of this article.

Nine tips to get your ex girlfriend back by becoming a more confident man

How To Get Your Ex Girlfriend Back #3 – Do Not Suggest Getting Back Together

The third thing you can do to try and get ex back is, importantly, to never suggest getting back together again.

Just don’t do it.

I know what you are going to do, you are going to think about doing it anyway, but when you are about to feel yourself suggest it, try and refrain.

It is more powerful to wait and allow the girl to suggest it to you.

And instead, you focus your energy on the following:

  • Being fun and playful
  • Enjoying time together
  • Working on developing your life

Do not start saying: “Oh, we should get back together”, because that simply shows neediness and will put her off.

You need to demonstrate to her that you are fine by yourself and that your life is going in a good direction.

And guess what? She can be part of that.

I have included my infographic below to give you some fun and playful ways to be flirty in your interactions with your ex. You can read my article for more detail on this, and additionally, to learn the bonus 8 waysHow To Flirt With Women | The Ultimate Guide (Top 17 Ways)

9 ways to flirt and try and get your ex girlfriend back

How To Get Your Ex Girlfriend Back #4 – Don’t Jump Through Unnecessary Hoops

The fourth tip on how to get your ex back is to not jump through all of the unnecessary hoops to try and get her back.

I understand that it is a tough situation. You like this girl. She has broken up with you and you want to get her back. Consequently, you are now willing to do whatever it takes to do that.

Jumping through hoops may look like any of the following:

  • Declaring your love for her
  • Sending her flowers by courier
  • Going out of your way to do things for her that she doesn’t ask you to do.

This is a thing that a lot of ex-boyfriends do as they try to overcompensate.

Oh, you need a new car? I’ll help you with this, I’ll help you with that, I’ll do this and I’ll do that.”

Again though, this is the wrong thing to do.

In my experience, guys tend to make up most of these hoops for themselves anyway: “I’m going to do this for her and I’m going to show her”.

The more you do that, the further you go away from your centre. And the further you go from being attractive to her.

If you struggle in keeping your composure around your ex, or women more generally, I would suggest looking at my infographic below for helpful tips.

You can also read my related article here for more detail where I give pointers in how to convey positive and attractive qualities around women – How To Stop Being The Nice Guy | The Ultimate Guide (Top 5 Ways)

5 ways to seduce women by not demonstrating needy behaviour - helpful in getting your ex girlfriend back

How To Get Your Ex Girlfriend Back #5 – Be A Leader In Your Life

The final way to try and get your ex back is to be a leader in your life and not a follower.

This is one of the biggest things that I teach on my skype dating confidence courses; to lead and not follow, and there are many different ways you can do this in your life.

First of all, you can stop asking everyone for advice unless you are paying for the advice.

And what do I mean by that?

I mean simply stop asking friends and family for their advice on an area where they are not qualified to give it.

In my experience, you are better off hiring a professional that can help give you cast-iron advice. Leave the advice-asking to the professionals and not through friends and family.

It illustrates so much insecurity and indecision when you are always asking people: “What do I do here? What do I do there?”

Instead, you get the right advice from the outset and you make a decision and you stick by it.

Leaders are attractive to women.

Several years ago when I first sold my shares in my previous business to set up Social Attraction, everyone in my life told me it would be a failure.

Everyone told me it is never going to work.

Everyone told me that I was dreaming and you know what?

To a certain extent they were right because the person I was when I first started my business is not the person that is writing this today.

However, it doesn’t matter because the man that made that decision to go for it was a leader. And yes, I went through difficult periods when I first started my business.

However, in making that decision to lead my life, taking on the challenge and making it work no matter what happens, is taking charge of your life.

You are leading it.

That kind of person is attractive to women because he is:

  • Not giving in to fear
  • Conveying self-assurance
  • Leading his life

This type of man is also confident in communicating his thoughts and feeling to women in a charismatic way.

As per the image below we can teach you how to speak to non-responsive women. 

To find out more about our coaching then you can visit the following link – Skype dating confidence courses for men.

Non-responsive model next to three ways to engage her in conversation

Summary (Part 1)

Here are my five top tips on how you can try and get your ex girlfriend back. Again though I would caution here that if your relationship is truly over then it is about acceptance and moving on.

  • #1 – Go back to acting how you first did when you first met her. Be enjoyable, be fun, share experiences together.
  • #2- Quickly get your life in order by learning something. Read a random new book, take one of my dating confidence courses, go and learn meditation, do something new that gets your brain firing.
  • #3 – Never suggest getting back together. As soon as you do that, remember you are going to hit her kill switch.
  • #4 – Do not jump through all of these fake hoops that we put in our mind. Do not try and declare your love and do everything for her to get her back. That is also going to hit her kill switch and it’s never going to work.
  • #5 – Become a leader and not a follower in your life. This means taking accountability for your life, getting the advice that you need, making a decision and sticking with that decision. It’s fine to be wrong. It doesn’t make a difference if you are wrong. The point is you made a decision and leaders make decisions.

How To Get Your Ex Girlfriend Back – 5 Ways That You Were Turning Your Her Off (Part 2)

Over the last 10 years, I have hosted an array of different dating confidence courses for men.

From taking my clients out into the real world and watching how they communicate to doing classroom-based learning and also via Skype tuition.

This has given me a unique observational awareness of the unattractive behavioural or character traits that men carry out when speaking to women.

Traits that you may have exhibited during the course of your relationship with your ex girlfriend.

And so in this second section, I am going to go through the five most common conversation mistakes that I see when I host my dating confidence courses.

Two points here to provide context:

  • On a biological level, there are certain traits that women generally find unattractive.
  • These five mistakes are primarily behavioural or character traits that you are committing that are hitting a woman’s kill switch.

If you imagine that there is a blank canvas and there is a line going from left to right on that canvas, many men spend their time trying to be above that line.

The difficulty is that different women find different attributes attractive.

Whereas if you look underneath that line, what we find is that unattractive traits are generally universal; meaning unattractive to every single woman.

So you are better versed to spend your time eradicating unattractive behaviours first.

If you can do that, you are 90% better than most other guys, because they are hitting a woman’s kill switch more often than you can imagine.

Or, in other words, turning her off.

So as you read this, there may be a few things that you are currently doing that are putting women off.

The good news is that you can simply stop doing them immediately.

Or at least have the awareness to not exhibit them anymore in your future interactions. Whether these interactions are with your ex girlfriend or with new women.

How To Get Your Ex Girlfriend Back #1 – Being Judgemental

The first one is by being judgemental; meaning assigning a judgement to people and generally being mean about their appearance or their character traits.

You see, when you are assigning judgements, what you are really doing is taking all of the information that is around you and you are assigning a judgement to a specific area.

What this does, is it offers a woman an insight into what your personality is like.

And if you are judging other people, how do you think she feels that you will be like with her?

  • She will experience anxiety
  • Second guess what she says to you
  • Worry that you will judge her

Just wind forward to if you potentially wanted to escalate and try and kiss her.

If you have been judgmental about 10 things already, how do you think she is going to feel about kissing you?

She will feel anxious because she thinks that you will also be judging that moment.

A lack of judgement is more attractive than being judgemental.

Instead, being non-judgemental will cause her to:

  • Relax in your presence
  • Respect you more
  • Be more invested in you

Being judgemental will, I guarantee you; hit a woman’s kill switch every single time.

I have seen this happen so many times where interactions are going really well and, all of a sudden, someone becomes a little bit judgmental.

Bang, kill switch is hit, and the woman loses interest.

My infographic below illustrates the most common traits that a woman first notices about a man, and as you can see social and emotional intelligence is included.

Being non-judgemental in your conversations falls directly under both these types of intelligence and will only add to her level of attraction for you.

Read my full article here where I discuss all 10 traits, including both social and emotional intelligence and how to convey theseFirst 10 Things A Woman Notices About A Man | A Modern Guide

!0 traits a woman considers about a man before flirting back.

How To Get Your Ex Girlfriend Back #2 – Being Negative

The second conversation mistake that instantly turns women off is by being negative. And by this, I mean being pessimistic instead of being optimistic.

I am not saying you have to be the most optimistic man in the world, but you do have a choice on how you decide to view situations.

And being pessimistic about everything is really draining.

We all know someone who naturally has a pessimistic filter, who:

  • Is pessimistic about life
  • Only sees the negative in situations
  • Has a general air of misery

It is so exhausting to be around someone who is pessimistic; who has been there, seen it, done it, and then who already knows what is going to happen in advance.

It takes away any electricity from that conversation.

And over a longer period of time, it can take the spark out of a relationship.

  • In contrast, when you meet someone optimistic, it is like a breath of fresh air
  • It is like you meet a girl and you are optimistic about things coming up in your day
  • There is energy and all of a sudden that girl you are speaking to wants to be part of that energy source

She doesn’t want to feel awful after speaking to you because you have hit her kill switch.

So remember that being negative, being pessimistic, is unattractive to women.

Another way to inject positivity and energy into your conversations with your ex, or with women more generally, is by being more high energy and personal in your conversations.

Moreover, you can read how to accomplish this in my article here. Just click on this link – How To Speak To Women | This Is What Makes Her Think About You

The affiliated infographic below outlines how to do this with new women, but some of the tips also pertain to conversations with your ex:

5 tips to help you speak to women including your ex girl friend

How To Get Your Ex Girlfriend Back #3 – Being Too Self Indulgent

The third conversational mistake that instantly turns women off is being self-indulgent. This entails bragging about your achievements and generally being too ego-driven.

I have seen this many different times.

It is almost like guys are at a job interview; they start speaking to a woman and declare:

“Yeah, well, when I did this.. when I did that ..when I did this.. when I did that.”

And the thing is when you are listing achievements, what does that say about you?

It highlights that you are too ego-driven.

It shows that your whole life is more about the achievement and little about the enjoyment of what it is that you are doing.

And that is a big one for women because they enjoy sharing experiences as opposed to just hearing I’ve done this and I’ve done that.

Being ego-driven is a very unattractive trait. It can switch women off immediately when you first meet them or wear them down over time in a relationship.

Significantly, if you want to speak about your achievements there is a more powerful way of doing that.

If you want to say: “I’ve travelled to 57 countries in the world,” what you could say instead is: “When I was travelling in South America, I noticed this.

Speaking in this manner conveys nicer aspects about you. It shows you as:

  • More humble
  • A better conversationalist
  • More attractive

Being a more effective and considered communicator is one of the fundamental skills that I teach, and will make you more attractive to all women.

As per the image below we can coach you how to stop chasing women. This is useful when you are trying to draw your ex-girlfriend back into your life.

To find out more about our coaching then you can visit the following link – Skype dating confidence courses for men.

Model next to three ways to stop chasing women

How To Get Your Ex Girlfriend Back #4 – Being Overly Opinionated

The fourth conversation mistake that instantly turns women off is being opinionated about everything.

And again, we all know someone who is like this as they:

  • Talk over everyone else
  • Are nosy about everything and anything
  • Give you their uninvited view

Whenever you find yourself giving unsolicited advice to someone, that is giving your opinion. And again, it is so off-putting to women particularly over the course of a longer-term relationship.

Remember it is different if you are asked for assistance or for help. Then you are welcome to help them.

But if you are someone who is just giving your unwelcome opinion about everything too often, all it does is add strain in the conversation. It makes it so boring for the woman you are speaking to.

Contrastingly, if a girl is speaking about something, you do not need to give your opinion if it is not warranted.

Instead, you can:

  • Actively listen
  • Demonstrate empathy
  • Reflect back what she says

All of this will help you build a connection with her or regain a connection with your ex.

You will also find some other helpful ways to balance flirting with connecting with women in my infographic below. These tips can again be applied to conversations with your ex girlfriend.

Scales balancing 3 flirting techniques with 3 connecting techniques

How To Get Your Ex Girlfriend Back #5 – Being Dismissive

The fifth and final conversation mistake that instantly turns women off is when you are being dismissive.

By that, I mean when you are not listening to her and you are disengaged by what she is saying – which is a big cause for a break up in relationships.

I am sure there are many people out there who think they are a good listener.

Yet, how often is there a conversational gap when you are speaking between what she says and what you say?

Because most of the time it’s ‘I’ speak, ‘she’ speaks, ‘I’ speak, ‘she’ speaks…one after the other.

Whereas what it should be is ‘I’ speak and then ‘she’ speaks with a notable pause between dialogue.

Indeed if there isn’t that gap then you are not an effective listener because you are thinking in advance of what to say next.

And thinking too much in advance will:

  • Cause anxiety
  • Make you try too hard
  • Interrupt the flow of the conversation

Moreover, it moves you away from your centre and place of composure.

It is interesting because, on my dating confidence courses that I host, I have noticed that people really do struggle to listen.

Learn how to actively listen.

Undeniably, being able to actively listen is an essential skill that most guys do not have, as is being able to paraphrase what someone says back to them.

And in reality, active listening is something that you can adopt immediately that will help you in your dating interactions.

It will also help in your interactions with an ex girlfriend that you are trying to get back into your life.

Although my infographic below primarily offers flirting advice in meeting new women, I have included it here as tip number 6 will help you if you tend to speak too fast or without composure.

Again, if you want to discover other fun ways to initiate flirting you can read my article – How To Flirt With Women | The Ultimate Guide (Top 17 Ways)

8 ways to speak to women and initiate flirting

Summary (part 2)

To summarise the five mistakes that instantly turn your ex girlfriend and other women off:

  • #1 – Being judgmental
  • #2 – Being negative
  • #3 – Being self-indulgent
  • #4 – Being opinionated
  • #5 – Being dismissive

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