How To Regain Your Confidence With Women | The Bulletproof Guide
In this article, I am going to teach you everything you need to know to regain your confidence with women. In some ways, having confidence and subsequently losing it can be worse than never having it in the first place. If this is you, then keep reading as I will be answering some common questions to give you the help and support needed to get your confidence back.
- How to be more engaging in conversation (from the start)
- Techniques to enhance your confidence with women (instantly)
- A method of attaining a bulletproof mindset (in making an approach)
I have been a professional dating coach for the past 10 years. Outlined here are personal insights and observations from my experience in this area. I cannot emphasise enough how making the decision to tackle your confidence issues will transform your life.
To help regain your confidence with women, review our client testimonials and book onto our next dating confidence course. Watch them on YouTube here: Dating confidence course for men reviews:
What is the easiest way to be more confident around women?
Confidence means con-fide which means with faith. Accordingly, if you want to regain your confidence around women this begins with having more faith in your ability to interact with women.
This faith comes from having a structure that you can fall back on when needed. Similarly to an actor who will fall back on their learned training as a tool to help them get through moments of difficulty.
There are a few techniques you can do straight away that will make a difference. The first one is, rather than asking women questions, you make statements. For instance, instead of asking a woman where she is from, you take a guess.
To expand on this, if I meet a girl and I ask her where she is from, in effect, I want something from her. However, if I say, “You sound like you are from London” or “You sound like you are Russian,” then I am adding something. This is far more engaging as it gives value to the interaction rather than taking away from it.
Additionally, making statements also acts as an easy prompt to keep the conversation flowing. Just using this one simple technique will markedly contribute to regaining your confidence in speaking to women.
The second thing you can do is to stop answering women’s questions when you first meet them. This is called frame control. So if someone asks you a question and you answer it they are controlling the frame. In other words, they are leading and you are following.
When you stop answering questions you recover control of the conversation. As an example, if someone asks me, “Where are you from” I could respond, “Where do I look like I am from?” In not answering the question directly, I am making the interaction more interesting. I am also influencing the frame of it.
In sum, the easiest way to regain confidence around women is to make statements and not answer women’s questions directly. These two techniques will do the following:
- Enhance your self-assurance
- Build mystery and intrigue
- Instigate flirting
I have been coaching this to clients for the past ten years – they are life-changing in any situation you find yourself in with women so go and try them. The more you converse this way, the more confident and the better you will feel and act around women. To learn a few other conversational techniques to lift your exchanges with women read my how to talk to women article. Here is a snapshot of the main points:
What practices can I do daily to boost my confidence around women?
There is only one action that will help boost your confidence daily with women – and that is speaking to more women. It is that simple.
There is something magical that happens to your confidence levels when you approach and engage new women every single day. It is how you will go on to develop bulletproof confidence. Furthermore, it is how you increase your dating pool; where you are more likely to start relationships with women that you are attracted to and have a genuine connection with.
As a dating coach, I host dating confidence courses where I take my clients into the real world and show them how to approach and engage with women during the day, along with how to flirt, connect and go on instant dates. I do this purely because to increase or regain confidence with women, you need to be talking to women on a daily basis.
If you want to know more about meeting women in the day have a read of my daygame article where I cover all aspects of it including how to begin, how to deal with rejection, as well as offer advice and tips to get started. You can also see my simple infographic guide below which gives an overview of daygame:
How can I learn to be confident with women?
Learning to be confident with women begins with making the decision to do just that. When you are resolved to become more confident you enter into a success mindset where you are willing to do whatever it takes to achieve your goal and commit 100% to it.
Therefore to regain confidence with women the first step is making the decision to commit right now; That’s what I am going to do. All of a sudden, your mind will be pinpoint focused on what you want.
I have close to a thousand videos online, so the next step is to start working through them. Go out and try the techniques and advice offered. Moreover, if you would like to go out and do a real-life course with me, then book a consultation call and we can chat about it.
Ultimately making a decision to handle this area of your life is what is going to make you successful. Everything else will come after that point. To understand why we all need to be accountable for the choices we make in life take a look at my infographic below.
This is linked to my article on personal responsibility which I recommend reading for anyone who is unhappy with any part of their life, not just dating, as it gives guidance to inspire and elevate self-esteem.
How do I regain lost confidence in dating?
I have massive empathy for anyone who loses their confidence because you can be someone that is very successful in dating – as I was when I was younger – and it can be lost in an instant.
For me, I had a car accident that caused my budding professional sports career to come to an abrupt end. I wasn’t even aware at the time how much of my confidence came from sports and being part of a team. This led to me losing my confidence overnight, and it took years of being in the wilderness dealing with emotional trauma to get my confidence back. I have, accordingly, been through that process of losing my confidence and having to regain it.
In truth, there is only one way to regain lost confidence in any area – and that is by working on yourself. The more you put into your self-development the more you are going to regain your confidence in life. There are various ways to regain confidence around women and in dating including:
- Taking a dating confidence course
- Joining an improv comedy class
- Practising meditation
- Seeing a therapist
In essence, you want to do anything that you will draw confidence from. Above all though, you have got to commit to helping yourself.
I want to take a moment to talk about victim mentality here. This is where the language we use encompasses events or circumstances happening to us. An example of this would be someone was making a loud noise last night preventing me from sleeping, so I stayed awake fuming all night. That is victim mentality. And importantly, all the time we are playing the role of a victim our lives will never change.
To turn it around we have to start changing the language we use and taking action, rather than resigning ourselves to complaining. To reframe our example, someone made a loud noise last night preventing me from sleeping, so I chose to get up and do some work or listen to an audiobook. In other words, we take control to be the protagonist in our own story, rather than being the victim.
Indeed, you will know when you are playing the victim because it will be something acting on you as opposed to you acting on something. Moreover, if you have a tendency towards victim mentality, having an awareness of it is the first step. You can then start consciously changing your perception and subsequent actions.
How do we become the protagonist or the hero of our own story? You take action. If you become someone that takes action you are never going to struggle with women, wealth or anything in life because you have the right mindset.
In my infographic below you will find five key points that underpin the mindset of someone who is taking control of his life. To learn more about how to transform your own outlook to a more positive one that is attractive to women, read my corresponding how to attract women article.
How do I get my confidence back when I’ve been through a bad breakup?
If you have gone through a bad breakup it can be hard to get your confidence back as you likely have emotional trauma to work through. Yesterday I did a live stream about dating after divorce which is worth viewing as it will help you. Building on that, I would stress that it is more about taking the time to process your emotions from your past. There is a 17-minute video available online ‘Gary Gunn emotional clearance’ that offers more help as I outline steps to help deal with emotional trauma from a past relationship.
It is also worth remembering that we often call it a bad breakup because there are emotions attached. Once you are able to clear those emotions you are then free to go through to the future.
In fact, in not dealing with these emotions, your next relationship will likely fail. It could even have a cyclical effect on all of your relationships unless you start to recapture some emotional control in life. For other support in processing emotions and trauma following a breakup, I have created the infographic guide underneath. I suggest also reading my how to get over a girl article where I outline each point in more detail.
How to build confidence to approach a woman?
It is easy to build confidence to approach a woman you find attractive. You just need a structure to help inspire the right mindset. When you see a woman that you like do a power pose. Doing this energizes your body. Additionally, say an affirmation to yourself, otherwise known as a personal mantra.
An example of an affirmation is, if you had only three seconds to live, what one piece of advice would you give your son? It can be as simple as ‘Take action’ or ‘Just do it.’ In short, the affirmation energizes your mind and the power pose energizes your body – both of which I teach in my dating confidence courses.
In seeing a woman that you want to approach, you have about two seconds before anxiety kicks in, so remember:
- You power pose
- You give yourself a personal mantra: ‘This will make a good story’
This animates you to take action. Following this, you are in a perfect peak state to go and make an amazing first impression with women.
Develop a success mindset
Having the ability to act this way is more than simple confidence. Rather, it is ultra confidence of the success mindset. It is how you take immediate control of your life to get better results as it allows you to go from speaking to zero women a day to speaking to over thirty. Take a moment to imagine how much better your dating life could be?
This is what I spend my life doing and I love it. I take my clients out in the real world and build up their confidence to approach and speak to women in real-life scenarios. This, in turn, has a positive knock-on effect on other areas of their lives; as when we develop a certain level of confidence it cannot be pigeonholed or compartmentalized. This confidence leaks out across all aspects of life and helps shape us into more self-assured confident individuals.
For anyone who has anxiety at the thought of approaching women, I have written a few articles that will help you, one of which is my beat the fear of approaching women article. You can find a summary of it in the infographic here:
How to regain my confidence when every woman rejects me?
If every woman rejects you there is likely something that you are doing wrong with your body language. I would imagine that you are standing too close and you may be facing women head-on. Perhaps you are invading their personal space or not allowing them to feel comfortable around you.
I see this a lot in my courses; namely when someone’s body language is immediately off-putting before a conversation even starts. One guaranteed way to make sure a girl doesn’t want to talk to you is to stand too close to her, especially in current covid times.
A better way of approaching a woman is to turn your body language away, only with your upper body facing towards her and to stand about one meter to 1.5 meters away. This conveys you can walk away easily and that you are not going to be there too long. Doing this will stop every woman from rejecting you outright.
- Turn your upper body and face towards her
- Stand about 1-1.5 metres away
On this subject of approaching women the right way, I have designed a guide below that is worth considering before making any approach. I recommend also reading my approaching women article to ensure that you are ethical and not acting in a way that will make a woman feel uncomfortable. Having an understanding of these guidelines will help regain your confidence when you make your next approach with women.
Why do I lose confidence around women?
You lose confidence around women because you place them above you in the social hierarchy that you are in. Consider that we all came from dominance hierarchies of tribes of up to 150 people, and all of differing social importance. If we committed an infraction we risked being kicked out of the tribe, thus facing disaster and possibly death.
In a similar vein, when we feel someone is above us in our current social hierarchy we feel pressure and anxiety over what we say and how we act. This is because we feel that other (higher) person has power over us. This taps into how we innately feel when we speak to a woman that we find attractive.
The way we overcome this feeling is to put ourselves mentally, emotionally, and spiritually at least on the same level as the other person. When we do that our anxiety diminishes.
This is something that I read in Casanova’s autobiography. When he was younger, he fell in love with a particular woman so much that no woman ever compared to her. As a result, he felt that with every woman he later met, he was above them. This meant that he never experienced anxiety when he was speaking to women throughout his lifetime, hence his reputation as a great seducer.
When you lose your confidence around women it is because you are putting them on a pedestal, or higher up in that hierarchy. The overriding way to get better and more confident with women is to work on yourself. In other words to value yourself higher and to diminish the girl’s value in your mind – as Casanova did. If you are able to do that you will no longer lose your confidence around women. Furthermore, if you have zero anxiety, you become ten times more attractive to women.
The concept of valuing ourselves higher is closely connected with the importance of setting personal boundaries with the people in our lives. This includes friends, family and colleagues as well as the women we choose to have a relationship with.
To understand more about why having clear boundaries is imperative to your mental health and the success of your relationships with women take a read of my ultimate guide to strong relationship boundaries article. A snapshot is included in the infographic below:
How can I regain confidence fast?
The quickest way to regain your confidence with women is to take a dating confidence course. If you attend one of mine I can show you so many things that will help you recover your confidence instantaneously.
However, if you are not comfortable doing that, one immediate thing you can do is simply go and speak to more women. Make it your ambition to speak to ten new women a day for the next thirty days. If you do that you will go through some rejection but, significantly, you will also experience some successes. Moreover, you will regain your confidence quickly with women because you are taking action.
In fact, the worst thing you can do in this situation is to do nothing. Instead, take action and do not play the victim. Take action and do my course. Take action and speak to someone new.
To help you recognise when a woman is receptive to being approached by you see my infographic guide below. This outlines some physical signs to look out for. Read my signs she wants to be approached article to find out more about this.
How to have unbreakable confidence with women?
In my experience, unbreakable confidence with women comes when you are meeting a lot of different women. The reason being that you do not feel as try-hard and as keen with one individual girl.
If you have an option of ten women that you like and are connecting successfully with, there is a choice over who you want to spend your time with. This gives you strong confidence because if one doesn’t work out you have other options.
In contrast, if you only have one dating option then you are not going to have unbreakable confidence.
Abundance vs scarcity
As an analogy let us consider the concept of selling a product or service. On the one hand, you have thirty people that are keen; and on the other, you have only one person showing interest. You are not going to have unbreakable confidence because this one person might reject you. Well, it is the same with feeling confident with women.
And so the only way of regaining confidence – whether it is selling or meeting and dating women – is to put the hard graft in and get out there and meet more women. That is how you create unbreakable confidence.
My infographic below gives some great places to meet women as these are often hotspots in any city. You can read my best places to meet women article to discover more on where to go.
How do I regain my confidence when I’m a shy introvert?
If you are a shy introvert the strategies I teach men to regain their confidence with women will still work. It is only the way in which you go about it that will be different.
Shy and introverted people are usually more calm and relaxed in their nature, so we use that to your advantage. This means when you are speaking to women speak quieter, more relaxed and lower. This draws people into your world.
You can also demonstrate empathy so you reflect back what a woman is saying and you speak less about yourself. This builds mystery, which is only enhanced by your calm and more relaxed demeanour.
In my last ten years of working with shy or reserved people, building mystery by not giving aspects away about yourself and demonstrating empathy are helpful tools. This will entice women towards you.
Being introverted is not a handicap at all when it comes to meeting women. In fact you:
- Are less try-hard
- Put out less energy
- Come across as more sincere
Also, the women who are interested in you tend to be more interested because the extrovert is always someone that is going to try harder.
Remember that the notion of a seductive man can, in fact, take many forms as my infographic underneath shows. To understand more about the qualities of each male archetype you can read my how to seduce women article.
How do I have body confidence around women?
Body confidence comes down to your physical condition, so this again means putting the hard graft in. Training, running, exercising, diet – anything that you can do that makes you feel more confident.
Here it helps to consider the 70:30 rule, so if you can get into 70% good shape that is sufficient. What do I mean by that? I mean just do enough to get the maximum benefit by leaning up, losing a stone or getting a bit physically bigger.
This is generally enough to feel confident with your body around women. You do not have to go from being two stone overweight to having a massive six-pack. It doesn’t work like that. You simply need a shift and to take steps to feel some success. When you do that your body confidence will go up exponentially.
Three other immediate ways to improve your level of attraction to women are included in my infographic guide below. This is a summary taken from my how to attract women instantly article where I talk about each way in more depth.
How can I regain my confidence in speaking to women in conversation?
There are a couple of things you do immediately to regain confidence in speaking to women. One is reflecting; so if a girl says to you, “I’m really excited about my new job” you just repeat back, “You’re excited about your new job.” This is a simple reflection that demonstrates empathy. In other words, you take what a girl says and you echo it back.
If you want to build on this you add energy. Therefore if a girl says to you, “I’ve just started university and I’m doing a maths degree” then you respond, “Oh you’re excited about your new maths degree.” So you take what she says and you reflect back with added energy. It is called a ‘light up reflection’ – and that will make women engage with you more because you are lighting them up. It is powerful.
Another avenue to regain confidence is to share childhood stories with women. Now, this is something I specialize in teaching and I love it. This is where the magic happens. It is where you can escape and enter the moment and have fun. Simply take any word from a statement a woman makes and share your earliest childhood memory.
As an example, if a woman said to me, “There is this new chocolate store I really want to go to” I would then say: “Oh my God, my earliest memory of chocolate was when I was eight years old. My grandparents came around at Christmas and I was so shy that my brother was eating all the chocolate and I was stuck in the hallway too shy to go into the living room.”
There are emotions attached to our childhood memories that influence others to automatically think about something similar from their own childhood. There are so many reasons to tell stories like this to women that you meet. First and foremost, she will know more about you because you have conveyed personal information about yourself. Additionally, these types of stories are emotive because there are shared emotions present in memories from our childhood.
This is one of my favourite things to do in conversation with anyone because it has the power to open a room full of people up. It is awesome. Just try it once today – tell a childhood story and you will be enamoured with the result that you get.
If you attend one of my courses, I can show you how to do this. It takes conversational skills and connecting to a much deeper level – a few of which are described in the image below. If you visit my Social Attraction website there are video testimonials from clients of mine who have attended my course speaking about the results that they have received. You can also watch my content online, including footage taken of classroom-based courses I have hosted.
In sum though, if you are not happy with where you are in your dating life, and you want to see some quick results, book a consultation call with me. We can then talk about how I can help you. Just making that decision will change your life for the better.
- Have a success mindset: Make a decision and commit 100% to develop your confidence
- Take action: To be more confident with women you need to meet and speak to more women daily
- Be engaging: Speak in statements rather than questions and share childhood stories
Written by Gary Gunn
Gary Gunn is the bestselling author of An Education In (Online) Dating.
He has hosted over 1000 dating confidence courses in the UK and Europe, as well as over 1,500 courses conducted online.
Moreover, he is the head coach at Social Attraction and leads the team, training and courses.
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