Ideal Dating Life | Three Secret Principles (that no one will tell you about)

Ideal Dating Life | Three Secret Principles (that no one will tell you about)

Written by dating coach for men Gary Gunn - Founder of Social Attraction

Thomas Edison was the first-ever person to create a working light bulb. And the reason why it’s such a famous story is because he actually failed over a thousand times before he finally reached his end result. And it’s my intention in this podcast to outline three very powerful self-development tools that we can use to light up our dating life.

Now, the three things that I’m going to be discussing are firstly, his ability to overcome adversity. Secondly, I’m going to give you a very powerful tool to help beat frustration in your life, and this was life changing for me when I first discovered it. And finally, I’m going to talk about a really strange but interesting way that he used to use sleep to help him solve problems. And that’s a very interesting way of helping solve any problems in any area of your life.

So let’s just first begin with his ability to overcome adversity. So, as we know, Edison failed over a thousand times before he finally made a working light bulb. Now, the reason why this is interesting is because to be able to do that, Edison had to do a few things. So first of all, we had to have a very specific goal in mind. And in this case, his goal was obviously to have a working light bulb.

Now, if we can relate this back to dating, most of us typically don’t have a very specific goal of the person who’d like to meet or the lifestyle that we’d like to have.

So what we tend to do is say, “I want to get better results with women.” But in my experience it’s not really specific enough. I mean, a much better goal would be to meet a girl who is this age, who’s into this type of work, who has this type of lifestyle.

Because the more specific you can get with your goal, the easier it is is to actually start developing your life to meet someone, so, you know, giving you both parameters there. Getting better results with women is very generic. I mean, where would you go to meet typical women? I mean, you just … Anywhere, right? Whereas if your goal is to meet a girl who’s into artwork, who’s very creative, you can really niche down straight away and be like, “Okay, well, she’s most likely to be in art galleries, art courses or self-expression places.” So just by delving down in one specific area, you can see how your dating strategy will change depending on your goal.

The other thing that Edison did with regards to overcoming adversity is obviously he kept changing his plan along the way. Now, he knew where his end result was. “I am going to create a working light bulb.”

But what he didn’t have was the plan. And every time he came up with a plan that didn’t work, he learned something, and then he moved on to the next one.

And this is something that I do on my training course with everyone. After every interaction you say, “What did I do right and what would I add to make it better next time?” Because we never have the perfect plan when we start. We have the intention of going out and meeting people and attracting the women that we want, but we don’t have an ideal plan on how to do that. So in my experience, you go out with your initial plan, and then you change it as you go along. There’s nothing really that can be learned by being negative in this situation. It’s literally what did I do right and how can I add to it?

And the final thing that Edison was great at with regards to overcoming adversity, he didn’t quit. And to put this in perspective, a thousand times he tried and he failed. I mean, could you imagine approaching a thousand women? Actually starting off today, how long that would take you to do? I mean, within a thousand approaches, I’m pretty confident that anyone without any form of coaching in this area, if you just went up to a thousand women, that you are going to meet the girl of your dreams.

And if you actually have the goal of the specific girl in mind, for example, an art girl, like I spoke about earlier, if you went to art galleries and approached a thousand women, I’m extremely confident that you would learn and refine along the way.

And eventually, somewhere along that line, probably way before you get to the thousand mark, you’d actually meet the girl of your dreams. So that’s another interesting lesson with regards to overcoming adversity.

Now, this brings me nicely on to the second part, which is how to beat frustration in your life. Now, the first thing I’d like to say about this is that I actually felt frustrated in my life for most of my life, yet I was unaware that was feeling frustrated.

So the symptoms that I had was the I just felt like things weren’t happening fast enough. I felt like I was checking my phone a lot. I was checking my emails a lot. I was trying to force things, right? I was trying to do too many things, just trying to force it all the time. So if anyone listening to this suffers from the same problem … And in my experience most of us at some point in our life when we set goals, we then do begin to feel a little bit more frustrated about the fact as to why we haven’t achieved them along the way. So actually most of us, in my experience, do suffer from frustration.

But I found one tool that actually really helps to get rid of this feeling completely. And all it is is just a list of achievements. So when I first found out about this, I wrote a list of achievements. And when I first started coaching, which was a decade ago, right? And I outlined everything that I’d done. And it’s almost like turning around, right?

So you’ve got your goals in front of you, but then you turned around like where have I come from? What have I done? And all of these amazing things became apparent and I realised actually how far I’d come.

Because frustration’s normally only a short-term thing. If you’re working towards your goals, actually, typically over a longer period of time, you’re getting so much closer to them. I mean, for me personally, quitting a job that I didn’t like and setting up a business to do what I love, just looking back on the things I’d done … You know, I’d been to various European cities and was coaching people … I just had all of these amazing experiences of times where I didn’t quit, times where I stood up against difficult things in my life and I came out stronger.

And when you actually just stop and look at that, it makes you feel so proud of yourself. It makes you feel like you have real value in the world, you know? That I’ve gone and done a lot of things that other people aren’t willing to do. I stuck to my moral compass along the way. I’ve developed. I’ve read. I’ve done all of these different things. I mean, I’ve read a book a week for like a decade. That’s 500 books. When you think about the knowledge that you can get from doing that, it’s just amazing.

And what I do now is I have a weekly list of achievements, where I look back … I think daily is a bit too much, but I look back and say, “Okay, what have I done this week?” And my list is normally about 30. And if you do that, you are going to feel better about yourself, and the feeling of frustration is going to fall away. And what it does, it renews your strength. It renews your energy. Because actually when you look at the list of 30, you’re like, “God, actually I could have done a bit more of that.” So I read, for seven hours this week. “Oh, actually I probably could’ve read for nine.”

So by looking at it, you actually start to set future goals, but you do it in a way which is going to increase your self-esteem rather than getting frustrated.

Because if you’re looking forward and you’re like, “Oh, why haven’t I got there yet? Why haven’t I got there yet? Why haven’t I got there yet?” you’re going to be frustrated. Whereas if you look back, you’re going to feel proud, and that’s going to renew your energy to keep going.

And I cannot express enough how life-changing this is, especially if you’re looking at making a change in your life, with a career that you have, with regards to meeting more women or attracting more women, or just any area of your life. Take the first step today, and then look back at the end of the week what you’ve done towards it. And that is going to make you feel 10 times better. And when you’re doing that, that is how you increase your self-esteem and feel better as a person.

And in my experience of this, if you start today, at the end of the week when you look back, it’s kind of a perfect week because you look back and think, “God, I have achieved so much. I’m so proud of myself.” And since I’ve been doing this, it’s just been so life-changing for me personally. And obviously I educate everyone on my courses about this.

So just take out a pen and paper and just write out your achievements. It is going to help.

So on to the last one, which is about sleep, which is quite interesting because I found over the years that when I’m travelling away on courses that I really struggle to get good sleep. Even if I’m sleeping for like seven or eight hours, I’m still like mentally struggling. And I did some research into this and looked into it. And there’s a lot of different thoughts in this, but basically, when you’re away from home, there’s a part of your brain that doesn’t allow you to switch off so that you’re almost on vigilance alert all night so you don’t go into REM sleep.

Now, what I found helpful here is before I fall asleep in a foreign city or anywhere new, I visualise myself being back at feeling completely comfortable. And what I found is that that helps tremendously with allowing me to sleep and actually just get so much more energy for the following day. Because I think you need seven to nine hours a night, and any less than that, I think it’s been proven that your energy levels are a third less.

So, anyone that’s training the gym or travelling or away with work, sleep is super important, right? It’s one of the fundamentals that we take for granted. I also think that if you drink alcohol that impinges your ability to access sleep. Even though it’s a sedative, it doesn’t actually allow you to sleep properly. So if sleep is a problem for you, I would advise doing that.

Going to bed early, reading, make sure you get a minimum seven hours, and a little visualisation of being at home where you feel comfortable is really going to help.

But I just thought I’d talk about a few other things here which are quite cool. So Edison was actually famous. What he would do, if he had a problem that he wanted to solve, he would get ball bearings in his hand and he’d clasp them, and then he’d put like a frying pan on the floor. And as he’d fall asleep, literally the inception part when you fall asleep, his hand would open and he’d drop the ball bearings. And this would then allow him to solve any problems that he was struggling with because sleep renewed his energy.

That’s super interesting, right? Because for years, what I’ve done, when I fall asleep, I think about any problems I need to solve. And the first thing when I wake up in the morning, normally I’ve got so many different ideas and ways in which I can solve them, the creativity really comes out.

So that’s super interesting, right? There are a few different techniques there. First of all, you can think about a question before you go to sleep. And that allows you to then wake up and have solutions to problems. And obviously you can do what Edison did, where you, as you’re falling asleep, have some kind of way of waking yourself back up.

And that’s going to allow you to just to have that brief moment of respite and allow the creativity to follow through.

So just to round up this episode, first of all, I discussed about how you can overcome adversity by goal-setting, changing your plan along the way and not quitting, which is what allowed Edison to fail over a thousand times but still reach his end goal. Then I spoke about how we can beat frustration by using a list of achievements once a week in our life, and the self-esteem and the power that can be gained from that as opposed to looking too far ahead and feeling too frustrated.

And the final thing we looked at is how we can use sleep in our lives to firstly, give ourselves more energy by getting seven to nine hours per evening. And then second of all, just another technique that Edison used by falling asleep and waking himself back up to access his creativity.

So I hope you’ve enjoyed today’s episode, and I will catch you next time.


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