Overcome Fears With Women | Strategies No One Has Told You About

Overcome Fears With Women | Strategies No One Has Told You About

Written by dating coach for men Gary Gunn - Founder of Social Attraction

Okay, welcome back. On today’s episode, we’re going to be looking at a book titled The Gulag Archipelago. Now this book was written by an author called Aleksandr Solzhenitsyn and is recounting his experiences living in Russia between 1918 and 1956. This is the exact time that Russia moved into a communist government. Now, I know what you’re thinking, “How is this book relevant to helping me attract more women?”.

Well actually, what I found from reading this book is because Solzhenitsyn lived in such a difficult time in Russian history where being sent to prison really was a truly horrendous event. He came up with some amazing philosophical or even psychological lessons to help him to get through these difficult periods. And what I found is that these lessons are not only extremely relevant to us today, but they can really help us to get better results with women by taking better-directed actions with a philosophy that I’m just about to outline.

Now, similarly to the way that Marcus Aurelius Meditations lead to the founding of the stoic philosophy, I believe that some of Solzhenitsyn principles, although they have been touched across many different areas since, are truly amazing.

Now, in this episode, I’m going to be discussing three concepts. Firstly, I’m going to look at how acceptance can cure our minds of fear and this can range from accepting that we’re going to go and approach a girl, through to accepting that a relationship is over. But acceptance is really the keyword here. The second thing we’re going to be looking at is why asking ourselves the following question can alleviate trauma and that questions is, what can I own up to? And again I’ll be going into more detail on that but that one was a big one for me personally.

And finally, I’m going to be recounting or sorry, explaining the differences between a relative truth and an absolute truth. And that one is specifically for guys who are struggling with making that initial approach with women or also when they’re in an interaction and they don’t feel like it’s going well. So, let’s just jump straight in and talk about how acceptance can cure our minds of fear. Now, the reason why this came up in Solzhenitsyn’s book is because there was a priest at the time who was in hiding for eight years. And you could imagine that you know, if you get caught in this time you’re going to be thrown into prison, you’re going to be tortured, you’re going to get sentenced to in-between 10 to 25 years in really horrible environments right.

So, you would imagine that you would do all that you can not to be captured. And after eight years this priest finally got captured. And my first thought was, “Oh god, he’s obviously going to be rather upset as you would be” but actually this priest started singing and praising and being really happy, which I thought was a little bit strange.

But then when you begin to think about it this guy had been living his life in a permanent state of fear for eight years. And what Solzhenitsyn was saying is that you know, it’s the fear that kills you not the actual acceptance of the situation that’s going on.

And I was thinking, “My God, how relevant is this to you know, all areas of our life but specifically to meeting women”. You know, how many of us on a daily basis see an attractive girl that’s walking past us on the street and we go “Do I approach her, do I not, the fears there” and it’s like you know, we, we don’t know what to do. If you can accept that fear in that moment, yeah okay, this is a fear, I’m accepting this is a fear, you’re then able to act in spite of it.

Whereas in my experience of doing these, these training courses is that we typically tend to stick our head in the sands and just don’t admit it’s a problem or see an attractive girl and it doesn’t even enter our consciousness to even think about approaching her. You know, so in that vein the first step is like you know, hang on a minute, yes there is a problem here, I am scared of doing this.

Once you accept you’re scared of doing things then your mind will start focusing on what you can do to overcome it. And it’s amazing because I see this all the time in my training courses.

I have men come to my courses that 20 or even 30 years they’ve been fearful of approaching girls, and you can just see, you know after they’ve approached their first girl when they see how easy it is, you just see how life-changing it is for people.

You know, one fear can hold you back from so many different areas of your life. You know and this is why I’m so passionate about coaching and really specifically helping people overcome fears. So, when Solzhenitsyn was discussing this priest it really hit home with me. You know, it’s the fear that really affects you not the acting at that point.

This actually brought me on to the second point, which I wanted to discuss, which is asking ourselves the question, “What can I own up to?”. Now again, when I read about the priest living in eight years, you know, and living his life in fear, my mind wandered because I did a meditation straight after reading it.

And I asked myself an interesting question, I thought, “Okay, well, you know if I’m running from fear you end up lying, not telling the truth, trying to manipulate situations so that you know, you don’t have to face up to these fears”.

So I thought, “Well what happens if I ask myself what can I own up to?”. And I tell you what, it was an amazing experience because all of these memories came up from when I was three years old up to things that happened you know, up to three or six months ago where I’d actually been if I’m being honest lying to myself.

You know, a situation had arisen and I wanted to maintain that I looked a specific way to people. This can be down to being five years of age and you end up lying and manipulating the situation and not owning up and facing the truth.

And what I found is that this tangled web of lies, even over stuff that’s so irrelevant I mean one of mine was (laughs) is funny actually, one of mine was just taking a Spider-Man toy home from school and then trying to lie and explain to my parents where it came from. And you know, I’d forgotten about this for however many, over, over 20 years I’d forgotten about that story.

And that memory just came flashing up and I’d realised this is still affecting me today. So in my own mind I admitted, “Okay, what can I own up to? What have I done that I’ve lied about that I no longer to be, no longer need to be scared about?” And the meditation probably lasted about an hour and I came across so many different memories.

And I guess the important thing here is that you know, if you can truly illuminate these things and be willing to face up to them, they can’t harm you anymore.

And I certainly off the back of that have done a series of meditations looking more in detail into that question. And I can tell you that it’s had a, a fundamental impact on my psychology. I feel like I’m freer to say my mind to people. I’m freer to discuss things because I don’t have that fear of if I say something someones going to come back at me.

I feel less shame in my life, which is interesting. I only really came across the concept of shame during a therapy lesson, sorry a therapy sessions I had after my car accident years ago. And that brought up loads of shame and I shouldn’t have done this but just owning up to it really got rid of that bit and honestly I feel so much more relaxed.  So that’s a great question to ask yourself, what can I own up to in my life?

And the final thing I want to discuss in this podcast is the difference between a relative truth and an absolute truth and how this can help us in our lives.

Now I’m really at my infancy of understanding the difference between a relative truth and an absolute truth. But so far my understanding is that an absolute truth is, is completely factual, okay. There’s no room for misunderstanding. Whereas a relative truth is something that is true to you, so it’s relative to you in that moment.

Now, a cast-iron example of this is I’ll see one of my clients talking to a girl who’s clearly giving him signals that she’s attracted to him, yet he’ll leave the conversation early, come back and say, “Nope, she didn’t like me”, even though I can see that she’s giving off (laughs) biological signals that she does. And because to him, because women have never paid him much attention, relatively speaking she wasn’t attracted to him.

And I find this concept quite interesting ’cause I guess that the way to get from a relative truth to an absolute is to do research.

To actually find out you know, what is it that you’re trying to establish and then look for absolute truths. You know it’s an absolute truth that you know, typically women that are playing with their hair and standing with their legs crossed are giving off signals that they’re attracted to you because they’ve got an excess of adrenalin in their body. So playing their hair is a good way of, of them showing it. And also standing with their legs crossed shows they’re not trying to run away too quickly.

So when you educate people away from the relative of, oh god she’s definitely doesn’t like me to the absolute of, you know women that are doing these things are typically finding you attractive. You know, your confidence can just grow tenfold. So, we decided to push this a little bit further actually.

I did a course last weekend in London and a good friend of mine came out with me, went out for a few drinks to celebrate the success of the event afterwards. We decided that we were going to just tell the truth to every girl that we spoke to that evening. No holds barred. If they ask us a question they’re going to get the truth.

And I tell you what, first of all, it was really funny because when you speak the truth with no holds barred typically people don’t, they don’t believe you. They think you’re joking (laughs). Whereas, that in itself is quite funny. You see, you know you’re just being truthful, people think that you’re just you know taking the mick a little bit. So that was interesting.

Second of all, it gets rid of your previous conditioning if you decide to tell the truth. So the guy that I was with has learnt to, like we all have, learnt to speak and communicate in a specific way as to not offend people. And when you put the apex of absolute truth or telling the truth to the front of your consciousness it irradiates all of your previous conditioning.

So it’s almost like allowing this guy to just say what he wanted to. And he was like a different person honestly. He was talking to loads of different people, telling people as it was what he thought. The first girl that he ended up speaking to was just into him straight away which is something that he hadn’t experienced using this strategy and the best thing about it was like, you know you’re just telling the truth. If you have the confidence to just tell the truth it was truly remarkable.

As I say this is really the infancy of my understanding of this area but one of the questions the girls asked him is, “Do you fancy me?” And normally I would advise that you don’t answer that question and flirt a little bit and he just said: “Yeah, I do”. Held eye contact and was just direct with him and obviously they ended up kissing soon afterwards.

But that was a really interesting part of development because you know when you speak the truth to other people other things need to happen. You start telling the truth to yourself a little bit more too.

Because if you’re you know, putting yourself out there and speaking truth to people, you can’t be lying to yourself at the same point because it’s never going to come across the same way.

So I think something which I’m going to be exploring further throughout these podcasts is definitely looking at how we can get better at telling ourselves the truth in our lives. Amm, so that’s really what I wanted to discuss in this episode. As I said it’s a little bit left field. The book is called The Gulag Archipelago. It’s split into three separate segments.

Currently, I’ve only read the first segment. It’s a very heavy read. I’d recommend that listeners of this show give the book a read because it really is a fascinating book. And bear in mind the concepts which I’ve covered over the episode. So I will catch you tomorrow for the next episode.


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