Playing Victim | Why Victim Mentality Is Killing Your Dating Success

Playing Victim | Why Victim Mentality Is Killing Your Dating Success

Playing Victim | Why Victim Mentality Is Killing Your Dating Success

Playing Victim | Why Victim Mentality Is Killing Your Dating Success

Playing Victim | Why Victim Mentality Is Killing Your Dating Success

Written by dating coach for men Gary Gunn - Founder of Social Attraction

In this article, I will be examining how playing the victim in your life is killing your dating success.

I look on Instagram and I see male dating coaches telling you to be more masculine advocating that you tune into your birth-right as a man and rid yourself of your child psychology.

When I pause and consider the people that they are speaking to – their audience – I feel some amusement.

What I mean by this is that they are going on live videos and sharing posts that are only getting read by people they know; their friends and their family.

People who, in all likelihood, have zero interest in their services.  Yet they post ‘just in case’.

Let’s do the maths here – one hour minimum per day thinking about what to post. Taking the time to post it, and finally checking for your likes and comments for the rest of the day.

In reality, this is probably more like 3 hours. Anyway, posting to Instagram is at best one hour a day, equating to 365 hours a year. And at worst 3 hours a day, equating to around 1000 hours in wasted time a year.


Playing the victim – Being unable to see the truth


When you look at the subtext you can see that these people do not know how to market their services. Instead, they are going for the shotgun approach.

Would you trust this man with your dating life?

I am sure that he has good information, yet if he cannot find himself an audience, how is he going to find you a date?

It reminds me of when I first started coaching over ten years ago, I had all these great ideas:

  • Go to bars and clubs and give out my business cards.  I did this. It resulted in wasted time, effort, energy and also sleep.
  • Record 100 YouTube videos. I have probably recorded over 1000 and have finally learned my lessons.
  • Post to social media to ‘keep people engaged.’ Yawn. It does not work as you may think.
  • Hire a top digital marketing agency and waste £60K. Yep, I have done that too. If I did not know how to market my own business then how can I expect other people too?

It is a fallacy to think that you can outsource all areas of your life.


You are not the victim and it is time to stop playing the part.


This important because the way in which we go about our business, our lives, and our dating strategy, are all inextricably linked together.

Holes in one area creates holes in another.

I want to contact these other coaches and help them, yet at the same time, I realise that they are living through their own Karma.

What do I mean by that?

Buddhists believe that we have to live through our own desires and path to get to the next phase of our lives.

For example, if you always want to go on holiday to Brazil, until you physically go and travel there, you will not know what is behind that desire.


Stop playing the victim and repeating the same cycle.


Most people in life do not live through their Karma.

They are forever destined to live out the same life again and again until some kind of tragedy reveals itself in the circle of life and fate.

So back to these other coaches. It is their duty and their cross to bear if they wish to become successful in life then they must go through their own burdens and overcome their own challenges.

Most quit or blame external circumstances. Occasionally we get a star of the show who makes it through the rain and finds a way.

Your dating life, no wait, your whole life is built upon the same fundamentals.

When I started my company Social Attraction, I had £30K in the bank and this was ‘my buffer,’ so what did I do?

I used that money to live off until it ran out. Only then did I become creative and start to grow my business.

You could say that necessity breeds creativity.

Why is this important to your dating life?

Because it is a normal and common human trait to not take action until we need too.

I have seen this played out with my clients staying in unhealthy relationships because it is easier than entering the dating game again.

Or individuals who settle in dating and in life because of fear. Fear is what prevents all of us from obtaining what we desire in life.


This brings me on to the distinction between goals and intent.


How many of us have read that we need goals. For example:

Fitness goals – check.

Financial goals – check.

Friend goals – check.

Family goals – check.

Fasting goals – check.

YAWN. These do not work and I am so bored of seeing people online speaking about them.

The reality is that as soon as we start on our journey, goals become irrelevant. We all know this feeling.

Instead intent is an overall direction that we are heading.

Here is a cast-iron example. Ten years ago I realised that I had massive gaps in knowledge to become a top coach.

I realised that I had to work on the way that I speak. I had to have a wider vocabulary. In a nutshell, for me to become the man that I am today, I had to set my intent.

By having an intent I have read over 500 books. I recorded over 170 podcast episodes and have written over 300 blogs. As well as hosted at least 1000 dating coaching sessions.


These actions were not goal-driven. They were propelled by intent.


A goal creates stress, pressure and the feeling of being overwhelmed. Instead, I just knew the general direction in which I was travelling.

Now, let’s get back to fear.

How easy is it to post an inspiring quote online? Or to tell people you have had a difficult time? How easy is it to talk nonsense with no real understanding?

In life, as mentioned, we all have our challenges. Victim mentality is the role that most of us play when things in our life get difficult.

This thinking may allow you to feel better at the moment, yet if we zoom out, we can see the reality.

Man 1 day 1 – Things get hard. I will play the victim and do nothing.

Man 2 day 1 – This is hard. I am going to overcome this challenge.

Imagine 365 days later, picture 10 years later, and visualise the difference.

Stop playing the victim.


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