How To Stop Being The Nice Guy | The Ultimate Guide (updated 2021)
In this article, I will outline how to stop being labelled as ‘the nice guy.’ In doing so I will be examining conversational traits and body language poses you are conveying that are affecting your ability to build attraction with women that you meet.
- Why we exhibit nice guy behaviours (and how they hold us back)
- What the traits and behaviours of a nice guy look like (and how to avoid them)
- Vital ways to stop being categorised as a nice guy by women (that work straightaway)
Knowing that there are simple steps you can take to stop being viewed as ‘the nice guy’ and being friend-zoned by women will give you more confidence. Moreover, you will have more impact and influence on the people that you meet day-to-day.
How to stop being the nice guy?
One immediate way to stop being the nice guy is by having an awareness of when you are agreeing with someone in conversation without actually engaging your mind. In other words, you are acting on autopilot.
Here, it is useful to recognise that most of us have been educated to be agreeable from a young age. In practice, this means that when someone speaks, we nod or we may utter a murmur of assent. We are generally accomodating to what they say in conversation.
Having a basic understanding of why we act this way will make us more conscious of when we are being involuntarily agreeable. Importantly, it will help us put an end to this automatic behaviour.
If you imagine that for most of our history – and most of our societies – we have been in dominance hierarchies.
In that dominance hierarchy, if you were disagreeable with someone above you, chances are you would be kicked out of the tribe. There would be severe ramifications, and ultimately death because you no longer have the protection from your tribe anymore.
As a result, it is easy to see how disagreeing with anyone who was above you in that hierarchy would have been an emotionally difficult and daunting prospect. And comparatively, this is what we find in our dating interactions.
If we see an attractive girl we instantly put her above us in that dominance hierarchy. However, as soon as we do that, we start exhibiting behaviours conveying we are beneath her.
- Nodding when she speaks
- Being too compliant in conversation
- Adopting submissive body language
In effect, this is harming the way that she perceives us. For this reason, we want to try and avoid acting this way in our social interactions with women.
My infographic below outlines the key attributes to display and develop to have a confident frame and body language around women. I also recommend you read my first ten things a woman notices about a man article which details how to demonstrate intelligence and confidence to women that you meet via your body language and conversation.
Tired of being a nice guy?
If you are tired of being labelled as a nice guy by women one thing that will instantly help you is to stop nodding automatically when she is speaking. When you nod your head excessively at everything a woman is saying you are conveying that you are not too sure of yourself. It can also come across as subservient and submissive.
Therefore stop overly nodding your head and simply hold eye contact instead. This will instantly improve your demeanour and stop you from being consigned straight to the friend-zone.
Shake your head
Another way to stop being the nice guy is by being actively disagreeable with your body language. On all my live training courses this is a great exercise that we do to make you more comfortable in displaying a difference of opinion and managing conflict in a way that is attractive.
It simply involves having a conversation with a girl that you like. When she says something that you disagree with, you just shake your head indicating ‘no’. Your body language demonstrates that you disagree with her. You do not even have to actively say anything; simply shake your head while she is speaking.
The girl will usually recognise that you disagree and will:
- Stop speaking
- Come off autopilot
- Start asking you questions about why you disagree
This is appealing because you are demonstrating with your body language that you are, in fact, not scared of disagreeing with her. It transmits that you are higher up in that dominance hierarchy. This alone will ultimately make you more attractive to the women that you meet.
Keep a conversation going
For more guidance on how to be more attractive in conversation, I have created the below infographic for you which outlines the three types of intelligence to communicate when speaking to women.
You can also read my accompanying how to carry on a conversation with women article to learn more on this.
Is being too nice a weakness?
Being too nice all of the time is a weakness and will not do you any favours with attracting women. Always being a ‘yes man’ and avoiding any type of conflict or difference of opinion means that you are not being honest with the girl that you are speaking to, or to yourself.
And over the long term, it is easy to see how neglecting your own needs and overvaluing the opinions of another will also detrimentally affect your future relationships.
Moreover, there will be less respect and consideration for your opinion as what woman wants to go unchallenged all of the time?
One simple but effective way to stop being too nice around women is to actively disagree with your spoken words.
I have a great example of this from one of my recent training courses where one of the girls working for me was discussing meditation to one of my clients who has taught meditation for the past 15 years of his life. He interrupted her and just said:
“Listen, I disagree with what you’re saying.”
It was fantastic because it was the first time in his life he had ever been disagreeable with a woman during a conversation. However, in this context, my client knew more about the subject because he was a professional and got paid to teach it. He knew, categorically, that he was above her in that hierarchy. This allowed him to speak confidently from a position of authority and a position of power.
Build sexual tension
When you actively disagree with women you begin to create the first foundations of sexual tension. This is because of the very fact that you are not being the nice guy. You are not being overly agreeable. Instead, you are someone who has an opinion and is not afraid to share it.
Note here that my client was not being judgemental – being judgemental is when you assign a judgement to something, often without reason. Rather, he had a difference of opinion and was confident enough to disclose it because this was a subject that he had knowledge of.
People who have informed opinions are generally confident, self-assured and they have their life in order. That is powerfully attractive to women and they will respond to it.
Strong and prolonged eye contact is another way to create sexual tension with women. My infographic below depicts how to instantly have more alluring eye contact with women. To learn more on how to implement this you can read my eye contact attraction article.
Do nice guys finish last in relationships?
Being a nice guy all the time can mean that you, unfortunately, will often finish last in relationships. It may also mean that you struggle to even find a relationship in the first place.
One prime reason for this is because you are not being honest in your outlook. Perhaps you are even afraid to be yourself around women. Over time, any woman will pick up on this inhibition.
The only way to counter this is to deal with any insecurities and alter your body language and traits in a way that makes you come across as more confident and self-assured.
Unconfident body language
When we are around attractive women many of us tend to put blocks up with our body language. Examples of nervous or unconfident body language include:
- Excessively touching our face
- Crossing our arms in front of us
- Turning to one side to avoid facing her head-on
However, if you are putting a physical boundary between yourself and an attractive girl it conveys that you lack confidence and are feeling defensive. You are putting a protective barrier up whether consciously or unconsciously.
Instead, in that situation, you need to develop your confidence to allow yourself to be vulnerable. And the only way of doing that is to spend more time speaking to women who you find attractive. Gradually your body language will become more relaxed in their presence.
Confident body language
On my dating confidence courses, we have role plays that specifically aim to do just that.
We look at your body language whilst you are in dialogue with an attractive woman. We show you some of the signals you are unintentionally communicating that are giving away that you lack confidence and we remedy this.
Remember that your body language is only one short-term aspect to consider when attracting women. In my infographic below you will find five longer-term strategies that focus more on developing your character to become a naturally more attractive man. To learn more about what this entails read my accompanying how to attract women article.
How to be nice without being a nice guy?
There is a balance that we want to attain with dating. We want to be nice, yet we do not want to fall into the trap of being the ‘nice guy.’ Indeed, the issue with nice guys is that, through body language and conversation, they can give away subtle signs of insecurity that come across as unattractive. These include seeking approval from women, avoiding any type of conflict and generally being too much of a people-pleaser.
One immediate way to ensure that you do not fall into nice guy territory around women is to always end the interaction first and to give a time constraint when you are in a conversation.
In other words, you set an appropriate boundary at the start of any conversation. For example, if you have a phone call with a girl that you have met online simply say at the start of the dialogue: “I only have 15 minutes.”
Set a boundary
Whenever we are talking to someone and it is going well, often, we can hang around too long. Particularly if we are talking to a girl that we find attractive. We have all felt it; that significant moment where you feel the energy drop in the dialogue and the conversation tapers off awkwardly. This energy drop means that the social interaction ends on a low note, rather than on a high note.
Ending the exchange when it is going well stops this energy drop from taking place. Accordingly, when the conversation is flourishing you interrupt it and you make your excuses to leave. This has the impact of allowing the girl to remember you at a peak moment and with positivity.
The unspoken effect of acting this way is that you would only do this if you are a confident guy who is used to being around attractive women. And, moreover, you are someone who has these peak moments all the time. It is much more appealing than acting like someone who does not often find himself in that situation and who is therefore trying to hold on to the moment.
Have a time constraint
Setting a time constraint and ending the interaction first makes you more attractive to women. Additionally it also:
- Puts less pressure on you during the interaction
- Conveys you lead a busy and attractive lifestyle
- Leaves a positive and lasting impression on her
Having this time limit also keeps you on track. It makes you aware that you only have a set period of time so you need to make it count. This enables you to put your best foot forward and make a better first impression. Likewise, it will also have the effect of making the girl that you are speaking to more engaged in the conversation as she will know there is a set parameter.
Another nice little tool is if you wear a watch, then after 10 minutes or so in face-to-face conversation, you actively glance at your watch. This is a great way of subtly conveying that you are in a rush and you do not have much time. Again, this keeps everyone on track and ensures the conversation flows. Importantly, it also stops the exchange from ending on that low point where the girl remembers you as ‘nice’ but not in an attractive way.
In sum, ending the interaction first helps ensure that you do not come across as try-hard, too fawning or desperate.
Taking the next steps
Once you become more confident with women you will start to notice that women begin to pay you more attention. As outlined in the image below we can help you develop your confidence and teach you to recognise and act on the signs of sexual attraction. To find out more about our training visit our live training page and review our different coaching options.
- Recognise there is a dominance hierarchy. Excessively nodding your head in conversation communicates to the girl that she is above you in the hierarchy.
- Deliberately disagree with her by shaking your head. As a way of showing – via your body language – that you disagree with what she is saying.
- Actively disagree with her in conversation. This means when she says something that you disagree with, rather than biting your tongue you articulate your thoughts and say, “I don’t agree with that.”
- Your body language. Stop blocking; stop crossing your arms or touching your face. Instead, face her straight on and hold eye contact. Eventually, that uncomfortable feeling will diminish and your body language will be of someone who is confident around women.
- Always end the interaction first. Give a time constraint during any conversation conveying that you have somewhere to be. It will take the pressure off and allow you to end the exchange on a high note.
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