Toxic Shame | The Ultimate Guide (Updated 2021 – Including Tutorials)

Toxic Shame | The Ultimate Guide (Updated 2021 – Including Tutorials)

Written by dating coach for men Gary Gunn - Founder of Social Attraction

In the first part of this article, I will explain why toxic shame kills intimacy between a man and a woman. You will learn some of the drills that I use to help men overcome a lifetime of emotional pain in their dating lives.

In the second section, I have included three video meditation practices from my YouTube channel.

These practices:

  • Will help you to overcome toxic shame in your life
  • Range from beginner to intermediate and to an advanced level
  • Are available as a means of helping you heal from the comfort of your own home

If you would like to overcome your toxic shame in the real world then watch videos from clients of ours who have taken our courses and book onto our next dating confidence course. Watch them on YouTube here: Dating confidence course for men reviews:

Daygame dating course for men to regain confidence

Why toxic shame kills intimacy

Toxic shame is a powerful and yet insidious emotion that can prevent many of us from ever feeling truly comfortable or happy within ourselves. There are different levels to how we experience toxic shame and subsequently, the impact it has on our daily lives.

In relation to intimacy, this can range from struggling to stand close to someone who we find attractive to dealing with intimate moments that may lead to that first kiss with a woman. Indeed, if intimacy is on one side of the coin, then the other side of that coin is shame. However, when we are able to overcome that barrier, intimacy can then become reality.

Toxic shame and intimacy

On my dating confidence course for men, we take part in a transformational exercise that aims at becoming more intimate by reducing the shame that we feel in our lives. At this particular course, attractive models took part. I had clients go through the process of standing closer and closer to one of the models during a role play. Here is what happened…

As each client moved closer to the girl his pitch went up and he spoke faster. Some clients even struggled to hold eye contact. In effect, they became more anxious because that feeling of shame was affecting their ability to communicate.

To counter this, I switched the lens of attention. I instructed each client to focus on their voice being slower, lower-pitched and more powerful. This, above all, caused a change to take place. Intentionally slowing down their voice and speaking in a deeper voice, as a result, allowed them to move closer to the women in conversation.

In facing their shame head-on:

  • It induced a feeling of calm
  • The intensity of shame had reduced
  • That barrier to intimacy was diminished

Overcoming toxic shame

To become more intimate you have to overcome shame. Similarly, in the same way, to become calm you have to overcome your fears.

After my clients went through this process, we tested it. We had a general conversation where I moved my clients closer and closer to the girls. They had to let me know the moment that they felt uncomfortable or when there was tension. All of a sudden that toxic shame that they had been feeling their whole life had subsided. Consequently, they could now hold eye contact with members of the opposite sex and have a balanced conversation.

Importantly, when you are able to reduce that feeling of shame enough to hold eye contact with a woman you can then amp it up by holding her gaze. This is depicted in my infographic below. If you want to learn how to do this and build sexual attraction with a girl then read my eye contact attraction.

Simple guide to seducing her with your eye contact once you have conquered toxic shame

How to heal toxic shame (a beginner’s guide)

In this video below, Gary Gunn demonstrates a powerful meditative practice that will allow you to heal toxic shame in your life. Gary teaches a beginner’s meditation practice that enables you to access the shame that you feel in your body and then remove it following his advice:

  • Discover how to stop feeling shame in your life by entering into a meditative state using the three breath technique that Gary teaches in this video. This will allow you to reduce negative emotions by entering into the present moment in time.
  • Master how to overcome toxic shame from your past. Closing your eyes and tuning in to where you feel the emotion in your body. You will be able to clear the emotional attachments and triggers to any embarrassment you felt in childhood. This means you will no suffer from your childhood conditioning.
  • Learn how to stop feeling ashamed in life by following Gary’s YouTube guide. Heal the shame by allowing the trapped energy to release through your system. Nasal breathing will also calm your nervous system and liberate yourself from past trauma.


How to remove toxic shame (an intermediate lesson)

In this video below, Gary Gunn teaches a meditation practice that will help you to remove toxic shame from your body and your life. During this intermediary lesson, you will learn how to access the shame from your past, with the intention of removing it using a powerful breathing and awareness technique.

In this video:

  • Learn how to get rid of toxic shame by first entering into the present moment via a breathing technique. Once you are in the present moment you are then able to scan your body and illuminate where you feel the shame in your system.
  • Discover how to heal the shame from trauma in your childhood. Thinking about the first time that you felt ashamed or disgusted. The next step is to allow yourself, as an adult, to process that memory. In consequence, clearing away the toxic associations that you have trapped within your body.
  • Grasp how to stop feeling ashamed of yourself in your daily life. It is important to have a beginning, middle and end to your toxic shame meditation. This way you do not carry the practice through to the rest of your daily life.


How to treat toxic shame (an advanced tutorial)

In this last video, Gary Gunn teaches an advanced method of treating toxic shame and removing it from your nervous system. Gary demonstrates a highly developed meditation practice that permits you to access the body language and posture you adopted when the toxic shame first became trapped in your system.

Covered here:

  • How to stop feeling ashamed of yourself by treating your original trauma. Learn why toxic shame is trapped in your body by understanding your body’s flight, fight and freeze response to trauma. Once you are aware that toxic shame is simply trapped in your nervous system you can then neutralise it with this advanced visualisation technique.
  • Ways to treat toxic shame that have been holding you back in life. Understand why shame has been repressing every area of your life from relationships to wealth and even your health. Once you have eradicated toxic shame from your system you become free to act without strong emotions and negative conditioning from your upbringing.
  • Learn the most advanced treatment for toxic shame you can use to heal yourself. Realise that shame is simply an emotion that is being triggered. Once you learn the technique of self-healing your confidence will grow exponentially. You will feel calmer and in control of your life.

Written by Gary Gunn

Gary Gunn is the bestselling author of An Education In (Online) Dating.

He has hosted over 1000 dating confidence courses in the UK and Europe, as well as over 1,500 courses conducted online.

Moreover, he is the head coach at Social Attraction and leads the team, training and courses.
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